I came online tonight with full intent to merge my blogs and delete this one, moving the posts to a new blog. I was copying posts individually to an archive, and realized that there were comments on them - - comments from people who read about my struggles, identify with them, feel a connection, a lifeline through them.
I was shocked.
Humbled.
And felt the need to share again, because it's been a long two years. Two years of struggle, of wrestling against myself.
It is one thing to believe the Bible. It is quite another to be personally taught the truth of scripture by one's own weak and weary flesh. It is easy to comfort a friend with the words of scripture; it is quite another to comfort oneself under the real and pressing weight of sin. That which was easy to explain becomes difficult to accept. That which is written plainly seems too good to be true.
After my spiritual mountaintop, my seeming defeat of my OCD, of laughing in the Devil's face, I reached what is what I hope will be the deepest and darkest valley of spirit in which I have ever journeyed. I made the slow journey into a pit of bondage, and when I reached the final step, I was not so far from the bottom as I had pretended that I was.
We are all one moment of weakness away from a lifetime of regret.
I searched the scriptures daily, looking for a shred of hope - but the weight of accusation in my mind bore down, crushing out any light that I had gleaned. Then finally, the ridiculousness of it all hit me. What had I been learning, every day since the beginning? "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)" What, just because I had a change of heart, that suddenly meant that the whole of Scripture now stood on it's head and spoke backward?
Maybe you are as I am. Maybe you have made decisions that you instantly regretted. Perhaps it took a while. It is certain that the Psalmist had, and this is what he had to say:
"[[To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.]] Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar." - [Psa 51:1-19]
David did not mince words. He did not try to justify his sins. He did not stick a pretty label upon them and call them something other than blackness and dung. He was completely aware that his actions were unacceptable in the eyes of a Holy God.
He also knew the nature of God - - that He is slow to anger, that He is full of mercy, that He pities His children, recognizing their frail natures, that He is ready to forgive (see Psalm 103).
And now, we have even more grace, abounding grace in the Savior, who is Christ! We have, on our behalf, a legal advocate representing us before an already merciful God, who longs to be reunited with us after our journey away from Him:
"My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:" - [1Jo 2:1]
So, I say to you, stop cowering away from the Lord of Glory who is even now reaching into your pit to pull you out of despair! Christians, your deliverance now is even as it was in the beginning. It is as simple as your ABCs:
ADMIT - that you have sinned before a Holy God, and that you are unable to cleanse your own unrighteousness
BELIEVE - that God, in Christ, is able to do all that which He has promised: to cleans your from your unrighteousness, to pull you out of your pit, to set up upon a firm foundation and to establish your future
and
CONFESS - with your mouth, in prayer, these things before God.
"For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed." - [Rom 10:10-11]
**ALL SCRIPTURE REFERENCES IN THE ABOVE ARTICLE ARE REFERENCED FROM THE KING JAMES AUTHORIZED VERSION**
