Sharing Grace

To Love Mercy

2012-02-17T01:17:00.001-06:00

He hath shewed thee, O man, what [is] good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? - - Micah 6:8, KJV

This afternoon, I had a unique opportunity to show mercy. About 3:30 pm, two of my neighbor ladies knocked on my door, informing me that they had just witnessed two young hispanic males stealing my husband's ten-speed bike. As the story goes, when they hollered after them about calling the police, the young men dropped the bike on the road and ran into the woods nearby.

One of the ladies' husbands is on the reserve with the police department, and he went home and got his badge, et al, and went after the two young men, along with a deputy who came from the county. Eventually, the young men were apprehended and put under arrest, and brought back to my property in a squad car, handcuffed.

I was presented with a decision. I had called Charlie earlier and asked his opinion on legal matters before the boys were caught, but I had not expected to need to make a final decision alone, while my husband was at work. After weighing all my available information, I decided to have the officer issue a citation, rather than booking them for a full arrest, jail, arraignment, and so forth.

One of the boys was 14; the other was 17. Because they were minors, they legally had to be released into the custody of their guardians. This gave me an opportunity to not only speak with the younger one's mother, but hug her. She was embarrassed, and rightly so. The young man came to me and apologized, looking genuinely sheepish; he had been left alone to do chores while his mother went to buy groceries. Imagine his mother's surprise when she received a call from the deputy! I gave him my forgiveness.

The older young man was released into the custody of his pregnant older sister, who was also his guardian. His sister expressed her gratitude towards my expression of mercy, and also her embarrassment regarding her brother's behavior. As for him, he also came to me and apologized for trespassing, for stealing, for everything. He expressed his gratitude, and this is what I told him:

"God shows his mercy to us, and so I am giving mercy to you. I forgive you."

He extended his hand to me, and I shook his hand. Yes, there were tears in my eyes, because I told him to be safe. As I told him, "if it had been anyone but me, he might not have been safe. So be safe." I also laid hands on his sister, expressing my forgiveness to her, telling her that it was going to be okay, when she apologized again.

There are some people who have expressed that I was too merciful. To this, I only say that I did not allow them to go unpunished. I upheld the law, insomuch as was appropriate to the situation. The stolen property had been returned, and was of little value when it was stolen. Yes, I could have prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, but instead, I chose to show mercy. They were issued a citation, which, if not addressed, would land them in jail just as if I had chosen to prosecute.

I can only pray that my few words and my act of kindness would affect the hardness of their hearts, and turn them towards a loving Savior whose forgiveness runs deeper than mine ever could. I genuinely ache for them. I pray for them.

So, instead of criticizing my actions, I ask that you do the same as I do tonight - pray. Because what is required of us, after all, but to do justly, love mercy, and to walk with humility in the path of our God?

Missionary Lizard Valentines!

2012-02-10T23:17:00.000-06:00

Since Ethan has to pass out valentines this year for the homeschool party and for AWANAs, I thought I would create a special valentine just for my little dinosaur man to pass out.

I got the dinosaur part for free from a clip-art site, and added in the details. Underneath, I put the dinosaur's (current) scientific name and his classification in the Creation order. You could do something similar for your child. In what way does his or her interests fit in with an evangelistic mindset?

Share God's grace with your neighbors!

Rosemary Chicken Cassoulet with Baby Bellos

2012-02-07T22:09:00.002-06:00

I made this recipe last night for my family, as a change from my usual preparation method for beans. You'll need:

3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

3-4 sprigs fresh rosemary

salt

oil - I usually prefer light olive oil

1 pound baby portobello or other mushrooms

2 cups of cooked navy beans; I used one-half pound of dried beans and cooked them until almost tender.

hot water

Heat a deep cast-iron skillet or dutch oven about medium-low, and coat the bottom of the skillet with oil. When the oil is fragrant, snip the rosemary leaves into the hot oil. Salt this liberally, and then fit the chicken breasts into a single layer in the skillet. Cook on one side until a golden crust develops, then turn. While this cooks, cut the mushrooms into quarters and put into the pan with the chicken. Using a sharp spatula, cut the chicken breasts into bite-sized chunks. Cook for about ten more minutes, stirring occasionally; be sure to scrape the bottom of the pan to distribute the crusty goodness and keep it from sticking.

When the chicken is cooked through and the mushrooms have softened, pour in the cooked beans. Barely cover this with scalding water; I keep a teapot on the stove at all times for this purpose. Stir well until all the ingredients are evenly distributed. Reduce heat to a simmer, and cover. Allow this to continue cooking until the broth has reduced to a thick gravy and the beans are cooked through. I like this to be thick as a stew, but you could make it more like a soup; it will just be soup, not a cassoulet.

This serves 4-5 comfortably. We also had parmesan griddle bread and buttered corn.

Book Review: The Gift of Forgiveness by Charles Stanley

2012-02-07T16:25:00.002-06:00

The Gift of Forgiveness by Charles F. Stanley
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is not just another book on why we ought to forgive one another. Rather, Dr. Stanley takes the time to first explain what forgiveness is, and what it is not, and then shows us our own position of forgiveness in Christ. Throughout the book are practical applications on how you can forgive not only others, but yourself, based on your own forgiveness in God through Christ.

This is the first time I've ever found a preacher who actually bothers to give valid biblical reasoning for the popular idea of the times, "forgiving yourself." Someone gave this book to me in hopes that I would learn forgiveness in regards to another person, but when I read it with an open mind, it allowed me to recognize an unforgiving spirit toward myself. I highly recommend it.

There is something here for everyone, not just the newly converted or the seasoned theologian.

View all my reviews

Transcript Available + SMA Day

2012-01-28T21:06:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all who could attend today's class! For those who couldn't make it, I have a transcript available immediately, as well as a PDF for those of you who have e-readers. Audio is available upon request next week, probably Monday.

If you would like to receive a transcript, please email ljeanig@gmail.com and use "Transcript Jan 28" in the subject line.

In other news, today was the Third Annual SMA Sydrome Awareness Day, which I commemorated by wearing purple long johns and my Give Love / Give Life T-shirt. You can find more information on SMA syndrome here. My sweet friend, Amanda Hall was diagnosed last year, and since this disease has a documented survival rate of 1 in 3, I look forward to watching God get the glory in her healing.

Share Grace!
-Jeani

Almost Peach Ice Cream

2012-01-23T13:10:00.002-06:00

1 lb bag frozen sliced peaches
1/4+ c. raw honey
3/4-1c. organic skim milk (you could probably sub almond or coconut milk with good results)

Just before dinner, use a canister-style blender, pulse or blend on medium until smooth. Season to taste with cinnamon, ginger, or other spices that suit you. Pour into an appropriately sized dish and put back into the freezer while you eat dinner, then surprise your family with this healthy, ah-mazing dessert.

You're welcome.

Class: Natural Remedies, and Why We Should Consider Them

2012-01-20T11:56:00.002-06:00

Saturday January 28th, at 10 AM, I will be teaching a class in my home on Natural Remedies, and Why We Should Consider Them.

Let me preface this by saying this is NOT a class in which I am going to be bashing allopathic or conventional medicine in general. The purpose of this class is to inform and provide choices, where people might not have been aware that there were other options available.

Topics that will be discuss include, but are not limited to, allopathy, complementary medicine, herbal medicine, aromatherapy, herbs and essential oils, vendor integrity, US FDA laws regarding supplements, and the dangers of adulterated or falsely advertised "natural health" products.

Out of towners, feel free to contact me, and I will be glad to provide you with notes and/or a recording of my teaching, depending on what is available. I look forward to hearing from you.

--Jeani

Upcoming Events

2012-01-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night at 7 pm, Laura Hopkins will be teaching on Women's Health and Hormones.

Either the last week of January or the first week of February, I will be teaching a class on "Natural Remedies, and Why We Should Care About Them."

Upcoming class topics will include:

- how to build a natural first aid kit
- cooking with herbs and oils
- the difference between chemical and natural cleaning products
- a demonstration of the Young Living Raindrop Technique®
- how to deal with stress naturally (before it deals with you)

For my out of towners, I will be working on providing transcripts, and I also hope to record some of my teaching in the future, so that I can send links to video or audio of my classes.

I'm so excited! I can't wait to see how God will use me to benefit the lives of others in the upcoming future!

Virus Scan: Initiated

2012-01-17T00:07:00.000-06:00

I attended a meeting recently about natural health, and spiritual goals for the upcoming year. During the course of the event, a single idea kept repeating itself in my mind: emotions which are buried alive remain alive. The facilitator gave an example of how, when she would respond in anger, she would find herself thinking and acting as a child, rather than the adult she actually was.

In light of scripture, and in light of a world view which looks through scripture to examine reality, I realized that somewhere within me lies the answer to the reason I respond to people the way that I do. Why is it that I repeat myself many times when I speak, saying it a little different each time, trying to ensure that the listener understands exactly what I am trying to convey? Why is it, when someone is angry or unhappy with me, I become physically uncomfortable and try all means possible to run away from the situation?

I have come to understand, over time, that like a computer, our body stores information that can be recalled later, both voluntarily and involuntarily. So, I prayerfully asked God to bring to my memory the reasons for my actions. Over the course of several days, I would ponder on those emotions, and scroll back through the history of my mind, trying to find the first time I encountered those feelings.

What I am talking about is not self-hypnosis, repressed memories, or any such thing. I am simply talking about consciously recalling active memories, reaching back historically to a place that I could identify as a starting point. I did not meditate on these emotions, or involve any other person; rather, I presented a query to my mind, and let my memory do the rest, over a period of a few days.

As I was riding back from a date night movie with my husband, looking quietly out the window onto the familiar eastern sky, I realized the beginnings of much of my neurosis had occurred before I was even five years old. For example:

I was taught that children are to be seen and not heard. My step-father was often displeased with my inquisitive nature, and I received many beatings for talking too much. On one such occasion, he had taken me to see my grandmother, and I tried, with as much as a four year old can try, to remain calm, and quiet, and not speak too often or freely. Desperate for his approval, when we climbed into the truck afterward, I asked if I had "talked too much this time." He informed me that I had, in fact, talked "too d*** much," and when we got home, he held me up by one arm and beat me with the wire end of a fly swatter. It is from this experience that I learned the concept of failure. This, and many many other examples, taught me to believe that no matter how hard I tried, I would never succeed at following the rules, and I would always be deserving of any punishment set before me.

Soon after this incident, I tried to explain to my grandmother that I was afraid to go home with my step-father. She tried to ask the right questions, and I tried to give her the right answers, but it wasn't until many years later that she understood what my four-year-old mind had tried to convey. Needless to say, I went home with the abusive step-father, and spent the rest of my life, even now, repeating and re-repeating my words, making sure that my listener is absolutely certain of what I am trying to convey. In fact, when I feel like I am being misunderstood, the same feelings of panic well up within me, as if I am once again that trapped little girl, about to be sent home with the man who hurt her.

My birth mother spent much of my young childhood trying to avoid the way I looked. She would try to bleach my freckles off with lemon juice, or tell the photographer at the preschool to "make sure and snap the picture before she smiles all the way," so I learnt to cover my freckles with piles of concealer and smile in a sort-of down-turned way that didn't show my teeth - - that was before I forgot how to smile altogether. In fact, when I was in musical theater, I had to sit in front of the mirror for over an hour, which chapstick on my teeth, teaching myself how to smile and memorizing how the muscles felt, so that I wouldn't fail my class for neglecting to smile on stage. I have spent my whole life lamenting the body that God put me in, and trying desperately to change it.

At some point during this stage, my birth mother was admitted to a psychiatric institution for suicidal tendencies. I seem to recall that she cut her wrists in the hospital, and then called the nurses for aide. I learned that mental problems were either a joke or a stigma, and a sign of weakness rather than a need for healing. While she was hospitalized, my step-father informed me that I was not to call him "Daddy" any longer, since he wasn't my father, after all, and he left me with my grandmother for many months until my birth mother came home from the hospital. I learned that no one wanted me, and that love is something that is subject to change at any time. I would spend my whole life trying anxiously to be loved, only to mistrust and push away those who loved me, in fear that they would abandon me.

These are only a small sampling of what I uncovered when I sought to find the origins of my strange behavior. In this, though, I have found not defeat, but victory. Though I am responsible for each of my sins, I can rest in the fact the God is my avenger, and he does not take kindly to those who abuse children, especially those who love God. (Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:42, Luke 17:2) Though I have a long path ahead of me, I can take comfort in knowing that God is a physician to those who are sick (Matthew 9:12, Mark 2:17), and that those who mourn will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

I have posted before on the ability of our body to respond to repeated emotion in the same way that it responds to repeated intake of foods, medicines, environmental toxins, etc. I recognize that the vessel I dwell in, that is, my body, has been marked, and carries with it the reminders of the pain that I relived and recalled, as well as the joys. It is my goal, then, to seek out and heal the damage that has been caused, as I uproot and neutralize each source of fear spiritually, and seek to heal the physical damage caused by carrying it around with me.

Virus Scan: Initiated.

How to Choose an Aromatherapy Scent

2012-01-16T23:20:00.000-06:00

How many of you have been told that the human body is somewhat like a supercomputer, with each individual cell its own mini-computer, complete with data storage and executable files? How about the fact that DNA is somewhat like a combination of an operating system and a master executable, both providing instructions and an environment in which to apply those instructions?

While many of you have heard that, what you may not have realized is that all of our processes are stored in a manner of speaking, and while they may be overwritten, they are not easily deleted. These means that what we eat, what we drink, what we think, everything we experience is all stored for future reference within the body. As a being which is a combination of spiritual and physical, we access this stored information both consciously and unconsciously - - unlike a man-made computer, which can only access information when commands have been programmed from an outside source.

This process is easy for us to understand when we speak in terms of foods, beverages, medications, environmental toxins, etc, but have you ever considered that what we experience as emotions are also translated by our body into chemical information, which is then stored into our cells for future reference? Pavlov's dogs, for example, were trained to salivate upon hearing a bell ring, because the body of the dog associated the ringing bell with dinner. Studies have shown that certain scents, when detected by the olfactory bulb, trigger emotions and feelings that would not otherwise be associated with the current events.

For this reason, when choosing which essential oils to incorporate into an aromatherapy regimen (as opposed to internal dietary supplementation, as in a capsule), it is important to choose scents which are considered pleasing to you. An alternative method is to use the scents repeatedly while performing pleasant or calming actions, such as bathing or meditating, so that the body learns to associate the scent with the relaxed state.

So, when you are choosing from a list of therapeutic grade essential oils to add to your health and wellness plan, don't be afraid to choose the oils which smell pleasant to you, or to combine a pleasing scent with one that is more foreign - - your body will thank you.

"Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart:" -- Proverbs 27:9a, KJV

Look, Business Cards!

2012-01-14T20:20:00.001-06:00

I'm so excited! EEEEEEEEE!

Why I Joined Young Living - It's Not About Me!

2012-01-11T10:50:00.003-06:00

So, I did it.

I finally bit the bullet and joined up with a company to be a product reseller, in addition to my current occupation of making and providing herbal preparations for the people I love.

Why?

Because it's not all about me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, one of the driving factors was the ridiculously low cost to start-up, coupled with the ability to keep my wholesale pricing all year long without selling a single thing. That's not why I did it, though. Ultimately, I saw this as an opportunity to help the people I love achieve better health, affordably, with a company that has high standards and Christ-following core values.

So many times, companies are based on buying and selling, not sharing and loving. For me, Young Living is about sharing, not selling. In fact, they encourage sharing. The company policies have provisions for it. I can purchase product at wholesale and GIVE IT AWAY if that's what I choose to do. It's not, "Look at MY catalog, come to MY show, support MY business, buy MY products." Instead, you hear, "let me help YOU, let me share with YOU, let me pray for YOU." It takes the focus off of me, and puts it outside of myself, where it belongs.

Because it's not all about me.

It's about Christ.

For New Year's Day - A Different Sort of Pea Soup

2011-12-31T14:10:00.001-06:00

Black-eyed peas are traditionally served on New Year's Day in the United States as a symbol of good luck in the coming year. Named for their brilliant violet pods, purple-hull peas are a variant of black-eyed peas. Try out this pea soup for your New Year's celebrations, or any time the weather calls for warm soup.

Purple-Hull Pea Soup

2 lbs fresh or frozen purple-hull peas
1/2 lb salt pork, smoked ham hocks, smoked bacon (not sweet), or a combination
(for my test batch, I used 1/4 lb. salt pork and about 1/4 lb smoked ham hock)
1 medium eggplant
2 portobello mushroom caps, large

Heat a dutch oven or soup pot on medium heat, dry, for 3-5 minutes or until the cooking surface is sufficiently hot. If using salt pork, rinse well to remove excess surface salt. Cut meat into small dice, and fry on all sides until a crusty, golden brown. There is no need to chop the ham hock - just sear it on all sides like a small pork chop.

Put the peas in the pot, then cover with hot water - - I used hot tap water. Cover by at least a spare inch of water. Into this, add your eggplant and mushrooms, cut into large chunks - about 1 to 1 1/2 inch. Cover, and bring to a boil. Lower the heat and simmer approximately 30-45 minutes, stirring occasionally. The eggplant and mushrooms should be completely softened and changed in color from light to dark brownish gray.

Serve in shallow bowls. My husband likes to sprinkle chipotle powder over his, just before eating.

Suggested accompaniments: cornbread, white rice, or biscuits

**IMPORTANT**

Do NOT add salt during cooking. The cured meats have enough salt in them to season the whole pot sufficiently. Pass salt at the table, if necessary.

Cyber Monday: Pampered Chef Specials for Monday, November 28th, 2011

2011-11-23T18:24:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine, Tracie Fitzhugh, is holding a Cyber Monday special for her Pampered Chef business. For those of you who don't already know, Pampered Chef is a direct sale company which specializes in high quality cookware and kitchen supplies, including a pantry section of proprietary blends of herbs, spices, and cooking oils.

What it is:

Tracie is holding an online catalog show, and holding a drawing to give away the host benefits, which include Free Products, Half off items and a 10% discount for 1 year. Please note that the bigger her show is, the more amazing her host benefit package becomes. Here's the breakdown for ticket qualification:

1 ticket for every $5.00 you spend
3 tickets for paying with a credit card
5 tickets for booking a party of your own

Morning - 7am – 11am - $10 off any order and 3 extra tickets
Lunch Time – 11:01am – 2pm - $7.50 off any order and 1 extra ticket
Afternoon – 2:01pm – 5pm - $5 off any order, first 5 orders receive a FREE Season's Best Cookbook
Dinner Time – 5:01pm – 7pm - Free Shipping on any order!
Evening – 7:01pm – 9pm $10 off any order and 10 extra tickets

All orders over $60 (before tax and shipping) receive either the Classic batter bowl, or Measurement Cup Set, your choice, as a complimentary gift.

How to order:

You can call in your orders, email them in to Tracie or place them on her website all day Monday, November 28th. Phone calls, emails, and online orders are time-stamped so that you can benefit from the Specials whether you speak directly with her or not. When ordering online through her website, choose Cyber Monday as the show host or she will be unable to apply your discounts.

Visit: www.pamperedchef.biz/traciefitzhugh and choose Cyber Monday as your host. (First name: Cyber, Last name: Monday) Please note that the discounts will not be automatically added. She will add them once she receives your order and confirms the total.

Your credit card will not be charged until after the order is confirmed.

If you would like to pay with cash or check, contact Tracie at tracie.fitzhugh@gmail.com or by phone at (903)-701-6751. Be sure to include your name, telephone number, email address (if ordering by phone), and the items you wish to purchase.

I know I'll be making a purchase! How about you?

Book Review: Inheritance by Christopher Paolini, Book 4 of the Inheritance Cycle

2011-11-22T20:03:00.001-06:00

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

One star. Really? But I checked, and one star doesn't mean "the worst book I've ever read," or "terrible bit of literature." It means, simply, I didn't like it. Which I didn't. At all.

It's a bit anti-climactic to dislike this book so much. I loved the first three books in the Inheritance series, but the last couple hundred pages left such an utterly disgusted taste in my mouth that I can't even say I'd be bothered to read it again.

It starts off well; Paolini effortless and ruthlessly follows his plotlines to their inevitable end. After the climax, however, he spends the next couple hundred pages floundering around, introducing new romances and hinting at an event worth the title, only to have his characters stand around in the end with their hands up the air exclaiming, "I don't know what to do!" It's a travesty.

If it were a comedy series, I could see having such a parlor trick of an ending, but this sort of ending does no justice to any of the characters. I find myself wishing that Eragon had actually died, rather than the ending Paolini chose. I kept thinking to myself, "and this is where the plot is going to turn in said direction, cleverly thwarting tricky prophecy with wording or some such," only to be sorely disappointed. It is one thing to dislike an ending because it is unhappy, or because you preferred things to go in such-and-such a manner. It is entirely another to be frustrated by what appears to be a case of writer's block passed off as literature.

In his note at the end of the book, Paolini said that he would be moving on to other characters and other stories, though he would likely return to Alagaesia in the future; Mr. Paolini, I sincerely hope that you do, because I would rather have a surprise finale in a few years than to have your wonderful series fall flat at the end. My deepest regards to Christopher Paolini, and I hope he takes my review not as a personal affront, but rather as an exhortation to better writing.

View all my reviews

Book Review: Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card (Serpent World #1)

2011-11-14T01:31:00.001-06:00

Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Like two points moving toward convergence, the book starts off slow and gradually crescendos to a collision. Brings interesting ideas to the table regarding the ideas of time travel and causality. Unfortunately, the limits of logic are stretched to a wearyingly thin line, making the reader as befuddled as the protagonist when trying to puzzle out the logic of how time travel does or does not function.

Though I liked the story well enough for its own sake, it seemed to me that more emphasis was put on the how and why of mechanics than on character development. The story concept was interesting, on the whole, but I feel as though I've reached the end no more attached to the characters than I was when I picked up Pathfinder at the library because it was written by Orson Scott Card.

All in all, a mind-stretcher with an interesting premise, but lacking in the texture and flavor development necessary for fulfilling characters. I will be interested to see if any future additions to this series fill in the gaps. 3 out of 5 stars.

View all my reviews

Dear Christians On Public Forums

2011-11-04T22:37:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer: This is a reprimand. You may have your toes stepped on. You have been warned.

One of the things that really frustrates me is when people within a movement give other people within that movement a bad name. Realistically, I guess that means that it frustrates me when people open their mouth to speak without having anything solid to say.

Lord have mercy on us.

Christians, people are not going to take you seriously when you talk if you say things like, "scientists use big words," and "it doesn't really matter; trust Jesus anyway," or anything even remotely similar. People are just going to laugh at you. If you expect to win over an intellectual, you're going to have to bring yourself up to his level when you speak.

While we're on the subject of speaking, here's a couple of things the Bible has to say about what and when and how:

"...but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect..." --from 1 Peter 3:15, ESV

The KJV uses the terms meekness and fear. Christians, when you open your mouth to speak, are you defending your faith, or are you attacking someone else? Are you speaking respectfully? Are you putting your passions under control? Quit trolling.

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." -- James 1:19-20, KJV

I don't think that needs any further commentary.

" A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." -- Proverbs 18:2, ESV

Please don't be that guy. This is the person that everyone hates and no one listens to. You may have thought you've made a point, but everyone else just thinks you're an idiot.

Many of you are familiar with the sentiment, "Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." The Jews have been saying it for millenia:

"He that hath knowledge spareth his words: [and] a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: [and] he that shutteth his lips [is esteemed] a man of understanding." -- Proverbs 17:27-28, KJV

Stop over-talking. Nine times out of ten, it's better to keep your mouth shut. Even the Apostle Paul told his pupils not to feed the trolls. (Titus 3:9) If you're feeling guilty about not being able to give a defense, continue to keep your mouth shut. Maybe the shame of having nothing to say for yourself will inspire you to educate yourself about your own faith.

Making a Difference

2011-10-31T00:55:00.000-05:00

Today was Heritage Sunday at the church where Charlie grew up. People from all over flocked back to South Union Baptist Church in Daingerfield, Tx to celebrate their part in the church legacy. South Union has been in Daingerfield for over 136 years, so as you can probably imagine, there were quite a few people there. Of all the many people who were there, however, two families stood out to me - - not because of their impact on the church history, but because of their impact on my history.

When I moved in with Mama, who was my grandmother at the time, I went to a little church north of Houston called Timber Lakes Baptist Church. While I went to TLBC, the Shireys took me under their wing. Mom was handicapped, so they drove 20 minutes out of their way every Sunday morning to give me a ride to church. I sat up front with Mrs. Sharron, and she showed me in the bible how that God was a father to the fatherless. We sat on the second pew back, on the right hand side, every Sunday morning until they moved back to East Texas.

Sitting on the second pew means that the music minister hears you singing, especially when you sing at the top of your voice as I do. It wasn't more than 6 months before Bro. Dean Watson told me to pick out a hymn, because I'd be singing a special. I sang, "What is That to Me?" When I was in junior high, and finally old enough to be in the youth group, Dean became my youth minister as well as my music minister. I was pretty sad when he passed the torch to a youth minister so that he could focus on the music ministry, let me tell you!

Being adopted by Mama meant that life was a little more difficult than "most" teenagers. Let's face it - - most teenagers are angsty and emotional; being raised by older parents who were physically limited just made it a little more difficult to understand the world. I spent many an hour in Brother Dean's office, trying to understand how to be a better daughter. Trying to understand why I felt so distant from everyone. When my best friend committed suicide, Dean came with the youth minister in the church van to pick me up from school. They would take me out to eat, just to make sure I was eating.

Brother Dean was the first person to teach me about memorizing scripture for panic attacks. I still remember the phone conversation where he instructed me to memorize Phillipans 4:4-8, and went through verse 8 word-for-word with me, instructing me to meditate on the things that would bring peace. He encouraged me to pursue music, and he's the reason I'm a church musician today.

When I was alone, discouraged, or bored, I'd call up Brother Dean or Mrs. Sharon at the church. I still have TLBC's phone number memorized, all these years later. I'd call up Mrs. Sharon when I wanted to know how in the world she made her amazing fried squash; in fact, I called her up just a few weeks ago to ask her about raising children in East Texas. I'd call up Brother Dean and make him listen (over the phone!) to whatever musical instrument I had taken up at the time. Have compassion on me; I was 19.

When I was in 7th grade, I went with the TLBC youth to music camp at Pine Springs Baptist Encampment in Henderson, Tx, where I met my husband. When we started dating 7 years later, I learned that the Watsons had been an integral part of my husband's family history as well. Charlie's parents had rented a house from Mrs. Sharon's family. Brother Dean had been my father-in-law's youth and music minister, and had sung at their wedding. It's no surprise that when Charlie and I were ready to be wed, we asked Brother Dean to officiate the wedding.

When we were dating, Charlie and I had a little conversation that went something like this:

(me) "I know this is going to sound silly, because East Texas is pretty big and all, but ... have you ever heard of a Charles and Sharron Shirey?"

(Charlie) "Have I heard of them? Charles Shirey was ONLY my favorite Sunday School teacher!"

(me) !!

(Charlie) "They still go to church at South Union. I can take you to see them. In fact, I can even take you to their HOUSE."

(me) !! !! !!

Needless to say, I was more than a little excited.

It just keeps getting better. Mrs. Sharron was more than a little pleased to see my marriage choice. It was then that she shared with me how that, when they moved, they had always been a little anxious for me, to know what would happen to me when they left. They wanted to know that I would be cared for if anything happened to my elderly parents. When she found out that, of all the families in the world I could have married into, I married into The Guests from South Union, she felt that she could lay aside all concerns for my future, and glorify God for his provision.

As I sat in the service this morning, I marveled at how a broken child like me could grow up to be in such a stable family. I marveled at how my children were sitting in church with their family, surrounded by love, where I had been surrounded by a church family that took me in as their own. As I put my arm around my own daughter, I remembered Mrs. Sharron's protective arm around me as she opened her bible and showed me how much God loved me. As I watched Brother Dean's antics at the podium, I remembered the passion he instilled in me for church. Yes, church! As I sat in the service this morning, I remembered what it was like to want to stay at church, and not want to go home. I wanted to sing to God, with my family, with the people who loved me, and I didn't want it to end.

As a church pianist, I help make the service, but I don't take it in the way a member of the congregation does. You don't have 500 strong people singing out behind you. You aren't surrounded by the choir. In fact, if I didn't have the lid down on the grand piano, I wouldn't be able to see the director clearly. But, this Wednesday night, when I return to my piano bench, I will remember. The next time I sing a solo, I will remember. The next time I see the unwanted girl sitting in the back of the church, I will remember, and I hope that I will act accordingly.

"Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. And of some have compassion, making a difference:" -- Jude 1:21-22, KJV

Clump-Free Cocoa

2011-10-25T11:22:00.002-05:00

Today's lunch with the small people consisted of cream of mushroom soup, crispy garlic toast sticks, and Clump-Free Cocoa.

For each serving, put about two tablespoons of Nesquik or other chocolate drink mix in the bottom of a teacup. I prefer Nesquik because it dissolves readily and has a little less sugar than other brands. You can buy it in bulk for reasonable prices. Pour scalding water into the cup, about six ounces worth. I keep a tea kettle on the stove with water all the time for this and other purposes. Top up the cup with heavy cream, half-and-half, or a little of both. You could use milk, but I don't. Whisk briefly, and serve immediately.

My kids love this. It is better than the cheap cocoa packets, and far less expensive than the "gourmet" ones.

Herb Profile: Milk Thistle (Silybum marianum)

2011-10-22T22:14:00.000-05:00

Latin name: Silybum marianum
Common names: Milk Thistle, Blessed Thistle
Uses: Liver / Gallbladder function, Breastmilk production

All parts of the milk thistle are consumable; in fact, milk thistle was historically used as a vegetable. The entire plant contains an important compound called silymarin, which has been shown to work wonders in healing and restoring a diseased liver.

I use a concentrated silymarin supplement three times daily as part of my maintenance in dealing with gallstones. Because I am uninsured, I cannot afford to have my gallbladder removed; the consistent daily use of milk thistle has allowed me to resume a measure of normal life, albeit still somewhat restrictive. If I stop taking the milk thistle for an extended period of time, my severe gallbladder attacks resume.

Interestingly enough, milk thistle is also a galactagogue, mean that it has chemical constituents which cause it to stimulate breast milk production. It is one of the top two commonly recommended nursing support herbs. One is milk thistle; the other in fenugreek seed.

These two unique properties make milk thistle an ideal tonic herb for use by young mothers, as pregnancy and weight loss are two common risk factors for gallbladder disease and gallstones. Milk thistle not only supports lactation, but also helps to regenerate the liver and produce plenty of healthy bile.

For more reading, check out wiki articles here and here.

In Honor of Amanda Hall Day

2011-10-22T15:51:00.000-05:00

Today has been locally declared Amanda Hall day, in honor of my sweet friend Amanda who heads up Project Give Love/Give Life in Leesburg, Tx.
Amanda, 17, has recently been diagnosed with Superior Mesenteric Artery (SMA) Syndrome. This extremely rare (and consequently, difficult to diagnose) disorder has caused her weeks of pain, prodding, testing, time away from home, work and friends. Let's face it: being sick is scary enough without doctors scratching their heads in confusion.

I've provided a link here if you want to go look up the current wiki on the disease and its causes and general prognosis.

All over Northeast Texas and the surrounding area, people are taking time out of their day to act a little crazy, wear their hair curly, play basketball, watch children, and donate to their cause. We just want Amanda to know how much we love her, how much we miss her, and how proud we are of her as she fights this illness with the fire of faith.

So, even if you don't know Amanda, take a little time out of your day to pray for her and her family while she fights this illness, and consider donating to her cause. I've provided links below where you can purchase wristbands and T-shirts; proceeds go to the project as outlined on her blog.

Shirts!
Wristbands!

Love you, Mandolin!
-Yours,
The Crazy Lady

It's Been A Long Two Years

2011-08-11T01:27:00.000-05:00

I came online tonight with full intent to merge my blogs and delete this one, moving the posts to a new blog. I was copying posts individually to an archive, and realized that there were comments on them - - comments from people who read about my struggles, identify with them, feel a connection, a lifeline through them.

I was shocked.

Humbled.

And felt the need to share again, because it's been a long two years. Two years of struggle, of wrestling against myself.

It is one thing to believe the Bible. It is quite another to be personally taught the truth of scripture by one's own weak and weary flesh. It is easy to comfort a friend with the words of scripture; it is quite another to comfort oneself under the real and pressing weight of sin. That which was easy to explain becomes difficult to accept. That which is written plainly seems too good to be true.

After my spiritual mountaintop, my seeming defeat of my OCD, of laughing in the Devil's face, I reached what is what I hope will be the deepest and darkest valley of spirit in which I have ever journeyed. I made the slow journey into a pit of bondage, and when I reached the final step, I was not so far from the bottom as I had pretended that I was.

We are all one moment of weakness away from a lifetime of regret.

I searched the scriptures daily, looking for a shred of hope - but the weight of accusation in my mind bore down, crushing out any light that I had gleaned. Then finally, the ridiculousness of it all hit me. What had I been learning, every day since the beginning? "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)" What, just because I had a change of heart, that suddenly meant that the whole of Scripture now stood on it's head and spoke backward?

Maybe you are as I am. Maybe you have made decisions that you instantly regretted. Perhaps it took a while. It is certain that the Psalmist had, and this is what he had to say:

"[[To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.]] Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar." - [Psa 51:1-19]

David did not mince words. He did not try to justify his sins. He did not stick a pretty label upon them and call them something other than blackness and dung. He was completely aware that his actions were unacceptable in the eyes of a Holy God.

He also knew the nature of God - - that He is slow to anger, that He is full of mercy, that He pities His children, recognizing their frail natures, that He is ready to forgive (see Psalm 103).

And now, we have even more grace, abounding grace in the Savior, who is Christ! We have, on our behalf, a legal advocate representing us before an already merciful God, who longs to be reunited with us after our journey away from Him:

"My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:" - [1Jo 2:1]

So, I say to you, stop cowering away from the Lord of Glory who is even now reaching into your pit to pull you out of despair! Christians, your deliverance now is even as it was in the beginning. It is as simple as your ABCs:

ADMIT - that you have sinned before a Holy God, and that you are unable to cleanse your own unrighteousness

BELIEVE - that God, in Christ, is able to do all that which He has promised: to cleans your from your unrighteousness, to pull you out of your pit, to set up upon a firm foundation and to establish your future

and

CONFESS - with your mouth, in prayer, these things before God.

"For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed." - [Rom 10:10-11]

**ALL SCRIPTURE REFERENCES IN THE ABOVE ARTICLE ARE REFERENCED FROM THE KING JAMES AUTHORIZED VERSION**

Old-Fashioned BLT

2009-11-05T11:25:00.003-06:00

You'd think this wouldn't need instructing, but it's true - the art of old-fashioned, simple food is disappearing in the wake of the foodie revolution. So here, for your enjoyment, is a simple, affordable (comparatively) comfort food.

Old-Fashioned BLT

bread
bacon
tomatoes
lettuce
mayonnaise

Fry bacon. Put in sammich with lettuce and tomato on bread that is spread with mayo. Toasting is optional.

Eat.

:)

How To Vary A Bowl Of Oats

2009-10-31T00:44:00.002-05:00

Oats are awesome. I love them. They make me happy. There are ten bajillion things that you can do with them, but the best thing to do with oats is make porridge of them.

Yep, porridge. I made a post ages ago about mixing oatmeal with yogurt, but since I rarely buy yogurt anymore, I had to come up with other ways to vary my bowl of morning oats.

ANYHOW! Porridge. Seriously. What a cool word! According to Wikipedia, porridge is grains, particularly oats, that have been boiled in water or milk. Here's a few more suggestions to jazz up your oats:

-peanut butter-
-butter and fruit preserves-
-peanut butter and jelly-
-butter and pancake syrup of various forms-

I've been in the butter and strawberry preserves mood lately. I also prefer to cook my oats thick and then thin them with additional milk, rather than cooking them like runny soup.

Oats have some seriously major benefits. They're frugal. They're whole grains. They're naturally sweet and they are fantastically full of all sorts of neat things that God uses to clean out your blood, your liver, and even increase a nursing mother's milk supply. Oats are my friends; I'm glad to introduce you to them!

Savory Sweet Potatoes

2009-10-29T16:50:00.002-05:00

Normally, my husband eats sweet potatoes a grand total of once a year, and that only because I get a hankering for the occasional baked one with butter. However, I got tired of being disappointed with sweetened vegetables - I've never been a fan of sugar on my savory foods. SO, today, I got brave and made up a recipe for sweet potatoes. I don't think I'll ever go back to the old way.

Savory Sweet Potatoes
(this-n-that style)

Peel and cut a couple of large sweet potatoes into dice. Put into a microwave-safe, covered casserole with a quarter-cup of water and season with salt, pepper, garlic powder and cajun seasoning (I use Tony Cachere's) to taste. Microwave, covered, on full power for 6 minutes.

In a deep skillet or medium saucepan, sauté a medium, thinly-sliced onion in adequate mild olive oil over medium heat until they start to be translucent and caramel around the edges. Lower heat.

Pour the potatoes into the onions and stir, coating completely. Cover and raise back to medium heat, and simmer for about fifteen minutes or until the potatoes are tender.

All done; these are great with a pork roast. Let me know what you think!

The Word

2009-10-24T00:40:00.000-05:00

So, while attempting to take a nap today, I was thinking about how the gospel according to John refers to Christ as "The Word." I started playing around with verses in my head, interchanging "Jesus Christ" for "the Word" or "thy word," etc., and vice versa. Here are some that I came up with just at nap time:

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. ~Psalm 119:105~

[Jesus Christ] is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. ~Psalm 119:11~

[Jesus Christ] have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name. ~Psalm 138:2~

I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified [Jesus Christ] above all thy name.

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. ~John 14:6~

Jesus saith unto him, [the word of God] is the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by [the word of God].

Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. ~John 15:3-5~

Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in [the word of God], and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in [the word of God]. I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in [the word of God], and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without [the word of God] ye can do nothing. ~John 15:3-5~

I ask you, HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!

Granted, it's not a perfect model, and I'm not going to go translating the whole Bible like that, but isn't it amazing how, especially when it comes to abiding in Christ, how that simple exercise makes it so much easier to understand?

Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law. ~Psalm 119:18~

Alice.com

2009-09-30T16:03:00.003-05:00

What's so great about Alice.com?

Manage all of your Home Essentials
Find the Best Prices Online
Get Free Shipping, Always!
Eliminate Emergency Store Trips
Get Automatic Coupons on 1000’s of Products

You save on the products you use, choosing from 1000's of available items
Alice keeps track of your items, finds coupons, and reminds you what's running low
You order just what you need, when you need it, with free shipping

Did I mention free shipping? Did I mention not having to set foot into Wal-Mart during the holiday season? Did I mention free shipping?

They also have a referral program. If you join using my referral link, you get a sign-up bonus and I get a referral bonus. It's a win-win.

And in case you're wondering, yes, I've placed an order already.

&amp;lt;br&amp;gt; Also, this morning they announced the arrival of free samples and a chance to win a MacBook! Check it out, and don't forget to use the referral link :D

Why I Love My SPOC

2009-09-03T13:24:00.006-05:00

What is a SPOC, you ask? Well! It's a Simple Piece Of Cloth. That's right. In Indonesia, it's called a selendang. Or a sarong. In Africa, it's a kanga. In Mexico, it's a rebozo. No matter what you call it, the SPOC will make your life loads easier. Not to mention that it's cheaper than those fancy $80 things that only have one function.

What do you do with a SPOC? You throw it over your shoulder, tie it in a knot, and sling your baby! :D

BWAHAH! Kitchen, I defeat you! I have two free hands now.

This particular SPOC is a selendang that I bought when my firstborn was still in the NICU from his three months premature arrival. I paid $20 for it, and the company I bought it from no longer carries them. BOO! However, you can easily make one yourself from a twin bedsheet. Just cut it in half lengthwise and hem the raw edge. Don't get the fancy, heavy, 800ct cotton -- the fabric will be too thick to knot up comfortably. I'll try to get the husband to take some pictures soon and I'll make an instructive post on how to tie this thing :D

Herb Profile: Vitex Agnus Castus

2009-08-13T15:12:00.005-05:00

Vitex, latin name: Vitex Agnus Castus, is a flowering shrub that is commonly found in the Mediterranean. It has beautiful lavender spikes of flowers, and is often confused with a butterfly bush. It produces small green berries after the flowers are spent, which ripen to black as they dry.

This herb has been in use for centuries to regulate hormones. Also known as chasteberry and monk's pepper, it is an herbal tonic. The berries are the part which are consumed, and they are considered one of the classic herbs for female complaints, although it is also used successfully in males for hormonally related issues like acne.

Vitex works gently and naturally by acting on the pituitary gland to regulate your hormones. Therefore, women with short, scanty periods find that with regular use, their periods become heavier and more productive; conversely, women with excessively heavy flow and terrible cramps find these symptoms to be relieved. Long cycles are shortened, short cycles are lengthened, and women who don't ovulate at all find the Vitex stimulates the regulation of hormones and suggests that the ovaries get in gear ;) Vitex is used to treat PMS symptoms as well, because by regulating the hormones naturally it helps to prevent excessive dips and spikes.

Vitex can be found at any health food store, but is rarely carried in the supplement section of a regular pharmacy. You take 3 doses a day, every single day, for the first 60-90 days. Because Vitex works so gently, it is vital to get your levels up. Vitex is considered a food supplement, just like fish oil pills. It is not a chemical derivative like vitamin c tablets. It is the fruit, dried, crushed, and slid into gelatin capsules :)

After the first 90 days, you could lower your dose, but I didn't. I suffer from consistent anovulation, so when I'm not pregnant or on contraindicative therapy, I use Vitex as part of my permanent daily health regimen. With the consistent use of Vitex, I was able to postpone having to have menstruation triggered by Provera, and when I began taking Clomid (discontinue use during Clomid therapy; they contraindicate one another), I ovulated on a lower dose than with my previous child. I am confident that had I chosen to wait a few more months, instead of taking the Clomid, that I would have conceived naturally (for the first time!) thanks to the use of Vitex.

I prefer to use a blend of Vitex and Dong Quai, because Dong Quai is fantastic for helping PMS, and since I am notoriously without hormones, I was loathe to tolerate even the normal symptoms that I got from finally having cycles with Vitex.

Examine Yourselves

2009-07-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates? ~ II Corinthians 13:5, KJV

Faithful Thomas: A Look at the "Doubting" Disciple

2009-07-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

I used to say that I could most keenly relate to Simon Peter, the zealot, mostly because I'm so prone to rash decisions and sticking my foot in my mouth. However, the last day or so, I've come more to feel that I relate more closely to that poor disciple, Thomas, whose shame is cast upon him by his doubt even in the face of the most credible witnesses. Most people tend to forget that "Doubting" Thomas didn't end in doubt, however; he went away believing.

First of all, none of the other gospels even bother to mention Thomas besides listing him among the twelve apostles, excepting the gospel according to John. His name only occurs 12 times in all of scripture.

The first time we hear from Thomas is in John 11, after the death of Lazarus. The disciples "warned" Christ that he was being sought to be stoned in Judea, and when the Lord insisted that they would go down into Judea because Lazarus was dead, Thomas says to the other disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him." (v. 16) Poor Thomas. Doesn't sound very heartening, his view of the future. But he didn't try to convince the Lord not to go; rather, he was of the opinion to convince the others to go with him, even to die with him. So then, Thomas was present when he saw the Lord Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, even after having lain already in the grave 4 days.

The next time we hear from Thomas is in chapter 14, when Jesus is declaring to his disciples the truth of his upcoming death, and the truth that he is in fact going to prepare a place for them in his kingdom, and poor Thomas says to the Lord, "Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?"(v. 5) Here, even after Jesus himself says, "Whither I go, ye know, and the way ye know." (v. 4) and Thomas, in his despair, cannot bring himself to believe even the very words of Christ. Yet notice, he did not keep silent. He voiced his doubts to the Lord himself, and received his answer:

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way..." (v. 6a)

The next time we see Thomas is after the resurrection of the Lord in chapter 20. Jesus had presented himself to the disciples, which were gathered together, but Thomas was not with them when Christ appeared to them. Jesus showed the disciples his wounds, and breathed on them that they might receive the Holy Ghost.

The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.(v. 25)

Some people look at Thomas's statement as sheer cheeky rebellion, declaring that HE would not believe, no, not unless he had proof. I can't accept that interpretation, however. I see the statement as the other interpretation: a statement of, however dejected it may be, total honesty. After all, it's not like a cheeky man to admit to not know where he's going and ask for directions as he did in chapter 14. Rather, it seems to me the statement of a man who, although unable to convince himself, desperately desires the truth that he may be convinced. The other reason I believe it to be a statement of honest examination rather than of rebellion is in verse 26:

And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: [then] came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace [be] unto you.

A man who says, "You can't convince me!" doesn't want to be convinced; a man who doesn't want to be convinced doesn't continue to hang out with people who obviously want to convince him. Rather, it seems to me that only a man who desired the truth would continue in fellowship with these men who DID believe, and in doing so, he was present for the next appearing of the Lord. And how great a mercy does the Lord show unto Thomas!

Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust [it] into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.(v. 27-28)

Thomas, who has struggled with this wretched doubting heart, who in spite of being present for one of the most profound miracles in all scripture still doubted, is brought face to face with the only solution to his doubt. Thomas knew all along it was what he needed, but how great a mercy did our Lord show in giving it to him! He repeated back to Thomas his declaration, and offered to give Thomas the one sign he longed for -- to see the wounds, and to yet even touch the wounds. And for what reason? So that he might believe!

Now, I don't know whether Thomas took the Lord up on his offer, but this I do: That he was convinced. In that simple declaring of faith, that Jesus was in fact not only his Lord, but also his God, he showed that his meager faith had been revived. It didn't end there, either, because Thomas continued with the disciples. He was present and active in the calling of Matthias to the position from which Judas fell, and he was present on the day of Pentecost when the Holy Spirit came upon the disciples with fire.

So then we come to my own wretched state. Here am I, standing in the presence of the most credible witnesses, saying that my faith is so weak and small that I cannot believe. Yet even as Thomas, though I am plagued by the wretchedness of a doubting spirit and a mind which is corrupted with OCD, even so I insist on following after Him, though my heart is all the while mocking me to my shame. Oh, I love the Christ, and I follow Him; I trust Him and seek him -- it is only this doubt that provokes me to shame. May the Lord, even as he did with Thomas, so have mercy on such a one as me, that I too would not be faithless, but believing.

Continuing in John 15 -- The Purpose of Chastisement

2009-07-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. -- John 15:2

From the text, we see that it is evident that God doesn't bother to chasten those who bear no fruit at all; rather, he purges the fruitful branches, so that they will bear more fruit, indeed, much fruit.

You may ask why I would relate this text to OCD or, indeed, to any affliction of the mind. We must remember that the fruit which is of the Spirit includes peace, which is something that the sufferer of mental anguish yearns for. If you want to enjoy fruit of the Spirit, you are going to have to do that which is required of you in order that you can have that fruit manifest within you. Also, I would definitely consider mental anguish to be an affliction (see definitions below), so seeing the purpose of God in the design of affliction often makes it easier to bear. Now then, moving on.

Let's look at a couple of definitions:

purge - to make free of something unwanted

chasten - 1) to correct by punishment or suffering: discipline: purify/purge; 2a) to prune (as a work or style of art) of excess, pretense, or falsity: refine; b) to cause to be more humble or restrained: subdue

afflict - [middle English, from Latin "afflictus", past participle of "affligere" to cast down] 1a) humble; b)overthrow; 2a) to distress so severely as to cause persistent suffering or anguish; b) trouble, injure

According to the passage, the purpose of chastening, affliction, or purging is that we should bear abundantly the fruit of the Spirit. It removes from us the things that are undesirable, that we would be a strong, healthy branch. Sometimes we are chastised as a direct result of rebellious sin; other times, we are allowed to be in affliction so that the heat of the refinery will bring to the surface hidden faults so that they may be drawn off. In both cases, the end is the same: that which is unwanted is removed, so that the result thereof is healthy and free of disease.

But let's not take this from only one place in scripture. The concept of chastisement as a blessing of the Lord is a common thread woven throughout God's Word.

Revelations 3:19 -- As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

Proverbs 3:11-12 -- My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth, even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Hebrews 12:5-11 -- And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then ye are bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which correccted us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection to the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peacable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Psalm 119:67-68 -- Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word. Thou art good, and doest good; teach me thy statutes.

Psalm 119:71 -- It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.

Psalm 119:75 -- I know, O Lord, that thy judgements are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted.

Job 5:17 -- Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise no thou the chastening of the Almighty.

Jeremiah 18:1-6 -- The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying, Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words. Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying, O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behod, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in my hand, O house of Israel.

Psalm 94:11-13 -- The Lord knoweth the thoughts of man, that they are vanity. Blessed is the man whom thou chastenest, O Lord, and teachest him out of thy law; That thou mayest give him rest from the days of adversity, until the pit be digged for the wicked.

There are also many instances in scripture where the Lord is compared to a refiner (as one who refines gold and silver in a crucible); here are just a couple of instances:

Psalm 66:10 -- For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried.

Malachi 3:3 -- And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

Let us therefore trust the Refiner to the methods which he chooses to draw off our impurities.

Abiding in the Vine - John 15:1-11

2009-06-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every [branch] that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast [them] into the fire, and they are burned. If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples. As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and [that] your joy might be full. -- John 15:1-11, KJV, emphasis mine

First of all, it's clear here that Jesus is talking about believers in the whole passage. After all, he says "every branch in me" and you can't be in Him and not in Him. So let's get that much over with and move on. We're not talking about salvation, we're talking about sanctification, and the bearing of fruit.

What sort of fruit will we be bearing? The fruit of the Spirit, which is listed over and over again throughout the New Testament, by more than one author. Although evangelism could be considered a fruit, I don't think it's the fruit that Jesus is talking about.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.

Jesus is the only vine wherein we can be grafted; all others are imitations and will not cause us to bear the fruit of His Spirit. Jesus is the vine through which we receive the life-giving sap of the Holy Spirit, and God the Father tends the vineyard.

Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every [branch] that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.

Every member of Christ that doesn't bring forth fruit of the Spirit is taken away from the place of fruit-bearing. Whether that be taken out of life, taken out of the ministry, whichever, God will not be mocked of His children especially. Even the branches that bare fruit must be purged (cleansed) in order that they can bear more fruit. No one in the vine gets out of being cleansed in some way, because the purpose of the vine is to bear fruit.

Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.

We are cleansed, or purged, by the Words of Christ. The Spirit is going to bring to remembrance the truth in order to cleanse us.

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

Jesus reiterates: the only way we are going to bear fruit is by abiding in Him. Period. Abide in Him, and you will bring forth the fruit of the Spirit. Don't abide in Him, and you won't.

If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast [them] into the fire, and they are burned.

Again, Jesus warns of the consequences of not abiding in the vine. The branch withers without fellowship in Christ, and men easily gather us up and burn us with false doctrine when we do not abide in Him.

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

A powerful promise from Christ -- if we abide in Him and are filled with His Words, our prayers will be answered.

Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.

God is glorified when we bear the fruit of the Spirit.

As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.

How do you abide in the vine? Keep His commandments. Pretty straightforward, huh? You remain in life-giving fellowship with Christ by obedience. Just as you don't remain in a close relationship with your parents or your boss if you routinely disobey their orders, you will not remain in fellowship with Christ if you persist in disobeying Him. If you want to bear the fruit of the Spirit, you are going to have to obey the commands He gives you.

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and [that] your joy might be full.

Jesus told us these things, not to scare us, but to give us instruction that would keep us safe and give us joy.

Memory Problems?

2009-06-13T22:03:00.000-05:00

One of the things that irks me the most is that I have given back ground that I had previously won victory in. A passage that has urged me to be diligent this time comes from the second epistle written by Peter:

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and the temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you and abound, they make you that ye shall be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins. Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fail. -- II Peter 1:5-10

Did you catch that? It says right there in the scriptures that if we do not give all diligence to continue to add to our faith, that we will be blind and will forget that we were purged from our old sins. We will begin to doubt our position in grace if we do not diligently seek after God to add to our faith. Notice, it doesn't say that we will no longer be purged; it simply says that we will forget that we were purged. So, let us be diligent, lest we forget we were purged and stumble around in the wretched darkness of fear and doubt.

Where Does Your Faith Rest?

2009-06-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

The biggest problem I have seen with OCD is that we can't rationalize it away. Not just that we can't rationalize it away, but that we literally are angry with ourselves for believing the OCD, but we can't make it stop.

I have been told that OCD is a "smart person's" disease, and so when I came across this passage in my studies, it hit me square between the eyes. Today, instead of taking an expository position, I'd like to let the scripture speak for itself.

For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness; But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many might, not many noble, are called:

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are might; and base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yeah, and things which are not, to bring to nought things which are: That no flesh should glory in his presence. But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.

And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God, For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness, and in fear, and in much trembling, And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Howbeit we speak wisdom among them that are perfect: yet not the wisdom of this world, nor of the princes of this world, that come to nought: But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, even the hidden wisdom, which God ordained before the world unto our glory: Which none of the princes of this world knew: for had they known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God. For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth now man, but the Spirit of God.

Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual. But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God; for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man. For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? but we have the mind of Christ.

And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able. - I Corinthians 1:18-3:2, emphasis mine

Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. - I Corinthians 3:18-20

Casting Down Imaginations

2009-06-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. -- 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

Myth: Christians should not suffer from mental illness.
Fact: Christians are human beings that have physical bodies which are imperfect thanks to the fall of man. Therefore, a Christian can suffer a mental disease as easily as he can catch the measles.
Myth: Because we are in physical bodies, there is nothing to be done for mental illness save treating physical symptoms, physical triggers, and maybe therapy.
Fact: Christians are not ONLY physical beings. We are also in possession of a new, spiritual nature. As a result, we war on more than one plane, and we have weapons on more than one plane. In the battlefield of the mind, we have very powerful weapons with which to defeat the enemy when he attacks us.

We are all of us sinners. Every one. We all have fallible, imperfect bodies. We are susceptible to disease and injury. This includes brain injury; your brain is part of your body! However, we are not just physical. We are also spiritual. Unfortunately, because our spiritual natures are housed in physical vessels, we are affected by physical things. We get tired. We get ill. We stub our toes. We are affected by what we eat, how cold it is outside, and whether we're fighting an infection. We have emotions that can distort our rational thinking, and thinking that can distort our emotions. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are complex critters, and you can't very well expect to heal a complex critter by completely ignoring one of its sick parts.

Mental illness is tricky, because it affects our thinking. Organic illnesses, like syphilis, create a sort of dementia resulting from the deterioration of brain tissue. One would be foolish to deny physical relationship to the loss of cognitive reason.

Then there are mental illness that have symptoms involving chemical imbalance in the brain. Now, I'm not a psychiatrist, neither have I any weight with respect to opinion on this subject. I do, however, have a theory. I believe that in some cases, the imbalance is caused by the problem, rather than the problem being caused by the imbalance. That, of course, is my opinion, and is based entirely on conjecture, so you get that one for free.

But let us consider the Christian, who is under a completely different set of natural laws than the non-Christian. Or perhaps I should say, additional set of natural laws. Because as physical critters, every human on the planet is subject to natural laws that the Lord set into motion at the dawn of creation. For instance, a human being is subject to the law of gravity, which is what draws us "downward" toward the surface of the earth, causing things dropped from high distances to go splat (based on Newtonian physics, etc). However, having been born into a new creation, being born of the spirit, we are additionally subject to spiritual laws.

Now, historically speaking, spiritual critters have been known to bend a few natural laws -- , say, walking on water, being bitten by venomous snakes without dying, and being raised from the dead, to name a few. In fact, there are two recorded humans who walked with God closely enough that they got to break the most fundamental law we know: people die. I don't mean being raised from the dead; I mean, they didn't die. They were "translated", as the King James puts it, from a corruptible body to an incorruptible body and spirit and brought into the eternal presence of the Lord without having to see death. However, natural laws are not going to be broken or bent without a whole lot of that spiritual dynamite, faith, and our Lord tells us that the sort of faith that defies natural law, such as commanding a mountain in Israel to move its rear over and leap into the ocean, only comes to us as a gift by prayer and fasting.

Let's look at one particular illness for a moment, objectively, and see how many facets of our being it touches. I'm going to go with OCD, because it's the disease I know most intimately. Physically speaking, obsessive compulsive disorder compels us to act a certain way in order to avoid the pain we experience from our obsessions. For some people, the compulsion is physical (handwashing, checking, cleaning), while in others, the compulsion is mental, verbal, or even "absent." Emotionally, we are disturbed by these thoughts (which consequently, usually fall into the worst fear category: more on this later), and want to escape from them. Mentally, we are locked into a holding pattern we cannot seem to break out of, and as a result, we feel spiritually defeated because of our inability to "snap out of it." In many circumstances, the inability to escape from the thought pattern results in the appearance of panic attacks, the experience of having our adrenal glands kick into high gear and present all the symptoms of inexpressible horror and inescapable fear.

In generalized anxiety disorder, the physical body can have a panic attack without the presence of an obsession. The body overreacts to an uncomfortable situation by producing the fight or flight response, which frightens the sufferer because of its severity, creating a worsening cyclical physical response. When I became able to separate the physical symptoms of my anxiety attacks from my mental OCD symptoms, I could experience a physical panic attack without any mental anguish; I knew that the attack was a result of my overactive adrenaline response, and that the symptoms would pass in time -- faster if I could relax.

However, when a panic attack is triggered by an OCD attack, the situation is devastating. The mind is so consumed by the inability to relieve the anxiety of the obsession that any ability to reason out the physical symptoms becomes unattainable. I have personally experienced panic attacks that lasted for hours. Bear in mind that the typical panic attack lasts less than 10 minutes, and you'll understand the depths of misery that an OCD sufferer has when they are unable to control the effects of the mind on the body.

Now, the devil is a mighty old fellow, and he happens to be an excellent statistician. He keeps up with all of our weaknesses, because the minute we become born of the spirit, we become his enemy. We are officially at war with an old expert in warfare, and he fights dirty. Christian, do you see that it is precisely the devil's delight to take our physical weaknesses and turn them against us? He's dirty old booger! If you study warfare, you know that all great generals study the enemy to find his weakness in order to use it against him; if we recognize the devil as he is pictured in First Peter, we'll know that he's always spoiling for a fight. So let us at once dismiss the idea that he has any sort of sense of decency and therefore will let our physical weaknesses alone and fight us only on a physical level.

However, there is hope for the believer today who suffers from a mental illness. The spirit that the Lord has given us is not one of fear, but of a sound mind! (2 Tim. 1:7) Additionally, the Lord has given us weapons with which to defend ourselves against spiritual attack, particularly when the battlefield is the mind. Here is where the text of 2 Corinthians comes into play.

In verse 5, the procedure has three parts:

Knock down
Tie Down
Repent/Correct

Allow me to take on an expository style for a moment, and you'll see what I mean.

Stop any thoughts, imaginings, ideas, false doctrines, fantasies, or fears that are opposed to the wisdom, truth, and word of God dead in their tracks. Knock'em down out of the sky. Yes, they're still there, but you have recognized that they are lies and utterly refuse to let them proceed any farther.

Tie that thought down. It's not going to keep you captive any more; no, you will bring that thought as your prisoner of war to Jesus for safe keeping. You tie the thought with ropes of scripture, ropes of truth. Find a verse for the problem. Find two verses. Find as many passages of scripture as you can that either directly attack your thought or render it useless, and then meditate on those verses. Bring those thoughts to Jesus as your war prisoners, and ask him to make renew your mind, making it obedient to His truth.

Once you have fulfilled your obedience to Christ to bring Him your disobedient, unruly, and unwelcome thoughts, be ready and willing to rectify any wrongdoing on your part in relationship to the thoughts. Is there something you need to ask forgiveness from a friend for? Someone you need to forgive, living or dead? Do it! Confess your sins to the Lord, and then do your part to correct the damage.

The key here is consistency and patience. Declare to the spiritual realm that you are no longer going to take any shenanigans on this issue, and stick with it. This is not a fight for the half-hearted. Any half-hearted attempts to thwart the enemy only serve to make his next attacks harsher and more painful. Remember that your strength in this fight doesn't come from you; it comes from the Lord Jesus, and only by submitting and surrendering your own kicking and screaming will in obedience to Him will you be able to receive the benefits of being filled by His Spirit.

The shield of faith that we will be able to hold up against the attacks and quench the darts before they touch us is a gift. We cannot work it up within ourselves. No amount of sheer grit, determination, and willpower will heal us. We can only humbly submit in obedience, and then wait on the Lord to fulfill His promise. The Lord Jesus also knows our weaknesses. After all, he was in a physical vessel once, too. Ask him to help you submit, and He will. Put yourself in the position of obedience, and then wait on his deliverance.

The prayer of my heart today comes from Psalm 119, a beautiful poem exalting the Word of God itself:

(71) It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.
(75) I know, O Lord, that thy judgements are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.
(153) Order my steps according to thy word: and let not iniquity have dominion over me.

If God has commanded it, you can pray with full assurance for His grace in obeying it. My afflicted brothers and sisters, pray!

Sunday Ebb and Flow

2009-06-01T04:53:00.000-05:00

Today has been a difficult day. This morning was refreshing, which, as usual, meant that the rest of the day was very difficult.

I have been told that OCD is a smart person's disease; it is said that it takes a lot of brain power to even sustain OCD. In my case, my OCD stems from the irritating inability of human minds to conceive all the wonders of God. So the first scripture in Sunday School this morning hit me fresh:

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. -- Jeremiah 33:3, KJV

Look there it is again, things that I don't know! But the next passage for Sunday School was from Jeremiah 18. Granted, in this passage of scripture, the observation of the potter is meant to be a warning to Israel that if it refuses to go in the direction that God chooses, He can simply tear it down and rebuild it with a different leadership. However, can we not take the context in a positive manner as well? Can not the potter take our own marred pots and rebuild them as well?

The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying, Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words. Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make [it]. Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay [is] in the potter's hand, so [are] ye in mine hand, O house of Israel. --Jeremiah 18:1-6

Then as I was playing the keyboard for morning worship, the words of one of our hymns caught my attention and my heart was comforted.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

-- "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" by Louisa M. R. Stead, 1882 (Public Domain) --

Because OCD is about trust. We don't like to admit it, but it's true. We get so caught up in the cycle of obsessive thought that we forget to trust. In fact, we are so captivated by those thoughts that we can't even fathom HOW to trust. I look forward to resting in Him again, and could make the prayer of my heart for the moment, "Oh! For grace to trust Him more!"

But it didn't end. No, two of the texts from the morning sermon stood out to me, as well.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. -- Romans 12:21, KJV

Don't let the attacks overcome you! We overcome evil with good. The best part is, we don't even have to acknowledge the evil; we just continue on doing that which we know is good. The passage here is talking about forgiveness and revenge, but the precept is the same for all aspects of our life: we overcome evil by filling ourselves with good.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. -- Lamentations 3:21-26, KJV (emphasis mine)

I highlighted verse 25 because that was the actual verse that the pastor mentioned in the service this morning. However, you have to see the full passage before you get the full effect of the message. Jeremiah starts out by reminding himself of the truth about the Lord, about his hope; then we have the promise -- that the Lord is good to those who wait for him and seek him out. Then we have a statement of fact: it is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Just one more way to stand against the attacks of the evil one: wait quietly on the salvation of the Lord. Because He IS good to those who seek him out.

OCD takes time; spiritual warfare takes energy. Rest in the comfort that your efforts are not in vain. Let me again remind you of Galatians 6:9:

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Resist the Devil

2009-05-30T14:14:00.000-05:00

But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and [your] joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. -- James 4:6-10 --

Every time we feel the Spirit drawing us to action and we deny it because we are afraid people will think that we are crazy, we are giving in to pride. I'm talking about when we see something in scripture that we feel applies to us as to action, but we are afraid to do it. The anointing of oil. Forgiving one another. Confessing our sins one to another. Requesting prayer. Covering the head. Removing objects that remind of us sin from our homes. If the ONLY reason that we hesitate to obey this calling is because we are afraid of what others would think, we are become slaves to our own pride, to the approval of men rather than of God.

Those of us with OCD especially know what it is like to be of two minds. We have the OCD mind, which insists that something is one way, and our rational mind, which insists that this cannot possibly be the case. We can find help here in this passage. We humble ourselves in the sight of God by ignoring our pride. We submit ourselves to God and resist the devil. It says that the devil will flee from us if we resist him. Again, we resist him by exerting the power of truth as is seen in Ephesians chapter 6.

I have found scripture meditation to be a very invaluable tool in resisting the devil in this manner. By filling our whole mind with scripture, any scripture at all, we are doing several things. We are crowding out any space in the mind wherein the devil could find a foothold; we are filling our whole mind with truth. We are resisting the devil by refusing to think about what he wants us to obsess over. We're not trying to fight him off, attack him, or even rationalize around him. We are simply resisting him by refusing to listen.

In scripture meditation, we are actively drawing near to God through his Word. We have the promise of scripture that if we draw near to God that He will draw near to us. Rest in the comfort that even if we cannot feel his presence, He will still draw near to us if we draw near to Him. The best method that I have found for my own personal use is to write the scripture down where you can see it, preferably on index cards or something similar, and read it over and over, committing it to memory. After the passage has been memorized, you will be able to not only recite it from memory, but will be able to visualize the card in your mind, scanning it with your mind's eye, highlighting each word in turn. In this way, I am able to fill my mind with both the image and words of the verse, and by saying it aloud, I am filling my ears with the sound of it. By filling all of my senses with the scripture, I am edging out any place where the devil can attack. Eventually, the attack will end. You have resisted the devil, and he has fled from you. As you practice over time refuting the devil's lies, either through direct scriptural confrontation against lies or by simply refusing to listen, he will turn his attack elsewhere.

Harvesting Peace: Putting Yourself Where Grace Can Touch You

2009-05-25T23:10:00.000-05:00

[This] I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are [these]; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told [you] in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. -- Galatians 5:17-23, KJV

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. -- Galatians 6:7-9, KJV

So many times I have heard Galatians 6:9 quoted in reference to not giving in at running about doing various ministry tasks. However, as I was reading Paul's letter to the Galatians, I noticed an underlying theme that has very little to do with persevering in works and a whole lot to do with persevering in sanctification.

Here we see Paul talking about the self-evidence of our dual nature, which is to say the co-existence of both the "flesh" and the "spirit" within one being. When the scriptures talk about the flesh, they are generally referring to the "old man", or rather, that which we were before we were reborn into the spirit. As spiritual creatures in physical bodies, how often have we felt that what we want and what we need are at war with each other, such that we can't do the things we really desire to do with our hearts?

First, we recognize within ourselves the manifestation of the flesh, and all the works thereof. As hard as we try, we cannot seem to gain victory over these behaviors that our bodies are so attached to. For OCD, or any mental illness, the hold our physical bodies have on our mind is so strong that we cannot help deny the power of the flesh on our spiritual situation.

We then see the fruits of the Spirit of God that we so desperately desire to have: love, joy, peace, patience, not being easily angered, righteousness, faith, humility, and self-control. Who wouldn't want these things? Why, even unbelievers desire most of these qualities for themselves. For those with anxiety disorders, peace is high on the list of desirable things. However, we must be quick to realize that as it is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit working within us, nothing we do will be able to muster up anything resembling true peace.

How, then, are we to live? We can't simply just throw our hands up in the air and wait for God to pour out his peace on us; if that were true, surely we would have received it. Recognizing our own helplessness isn't even enough. What then, are we to do?

Just a short paragraph later, Paul compares the situation to a farmer sowing seed. Just as Jesus compared the states of our hearts when we receive the word of God to sown seed, so Paul here compares the manifestation of spirits to fruits, and the preparation thereunto as the sowing of seed. He tells us plainly that we shouldn't be sowing dandelions and expect to harvest tomatoes from it. Whatever we put into our hearts is what we are going to grow there.

We have no power whatsoever to produce fruit -- faith, for example, is a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8), just as we have no power to make a tomato seed sprout and grow into a healthy plant that also bears a useful fruit. However, we do have control over the environment into which the seed is sown, and for that matter, we have at least some measure of control over what types of seed we plant. Yes, it is true, we often have things growing in us that were planted there by other people; those have to be weeded out, which is a discussion for another time. However, for the most part, we pick and choose for ourselves what to plant and nurture in our lives.

If the word of God is planted in our hearts, but we do not choose to water it, it will not grow. If we feed our souls on muck and filth, the Spirit will not thrive within us. We simply cannot reap anything wholesome whatever from a garden that has been poisoned! The fruit is useless at best, poisonous at worst, and is altogether unfit.

However, by again and again denying the flesh to have any access to our hearts, and particularly by feeding the tender growth with the Word of God, we can indeed expect to harvest the fruits of the Spirit. It is a promise! That means that the love of God, which is the manifestation of the Holy Spirit filling us, can be ours. The joy of the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding, patience with irritating people -- all those things can be ours. The catch is, we must discipline ourselves to feed the Spirit and deny our flesh.

These past few days have been very trying for me. I struggle with consistency in any discipline, having neither example nor practice in it. Resisting the temptation to do evil, that is one thing; however, insisting that I do things which I know are good is much more difficult to maintain. I have been feeling a bit of hopelessness toward my OCD and my panic, in that I have been despairing of ever being free. But I felt as though the Word of God had a fresh draught of hope for me today: Don't give up! When the time is right, when the season is over, you WILL reap the fruit of the Spirit, if you don't give up on the work in the garden.

So, those of you fighting in your own spiritual battles, don't lose hope. Even though the days ahead look long and dreadful, and it seems as though the promises of God will never be fulfilled in you, keep on walking ahead in the faith that He IS faithful to reward those who diligently seek him (Hebrews 11:6), and continue to starve the flesh into submission by feeding the Spirit.

The only way we are going to get the peace that is promised us is by first acknowledging that it is a gift that only the Lord can give, and then positioning ourselves in obedience in a position where we are able to receive that gift. We are never justified by obedience, but obedience places us in a posture underneath the outpouring of God's tender mercies and grace.

... and Having Done All, to Stand

2009-05-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places]. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

--Ephesians 6:10-18, KJV

The Apostle Paul knew a thing or two about spiritual warfare. He himself wrestled with a "thorn in the flesh" that he continually asked the Lord to remove.

A thorn. In his flesh.

People have argued for ages about what his thorn might have been. I present to you that the Lord inspired Paul to refrain from labeling his thorn, that all men might find encouragement in his dealing with a weakness in his flesh. He had a lot of experience fighting against the powers of darkness, and in his letter to the church at Ephesus, he illustrates the armor with which we are to clothe ourselves in order to be adequately protected against the attacks of the Devil.

In a commentary on Ephesians by the late Dr. J. Vernon McGee, he brought out something vital about the armor of ancient Rome. The girdle, or the belt, is the one piece of armor that holds the other pieces in place. Without the belt, the armor shifts, and your pants fall down! The girdle is a vital piece of armor, even though it is small and not often thought of.

So, the belt that holds the rest of the armor in place is... truth. Truth. The Word of God. The first piece of armor mentioned, the piece that holds all other pieces together is the truth. We are to use the truth to tie all other pieces of armor on, and hold them in place. It is the anchor.

The breastplate of righteousness protects our heart and other vital organs. Psalm 119:11 tells us, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." The only way to walk according to God's commandments is to know them -- by studying the scriptures and committing them to heart. So we see that, in fact, the breastplate of righteousness is, in fact, upheld by the girdle of Truth.

We should have our feet bound in the hetoimasia which comes from the gospel of peace. This Greek word is found only once in the whole of the Bible, and it is describing a state of readiness or preparedness. Our feet should be ready to run, ready to stand, readied to all purposes by being in the gospel of peace. Again, we see that another vital piece of armor, the one that keeps our feet firm from slipping and prepares us to run if necessary, is upheld by the Truth.

Above all, Paul tells us, make sure you have the shield of faith, so that you are able to not deflect the fiery darts of the wicked, but to actually put out the fire! From where does our faith come? Is it something we can work up within ourselves? No, Ephesians 2:8 tells us that our faith is a gift of God, and verse 9 of the same chapter clearly states that we cannot work it up; otherwise, we might have something to brag about. How then, can we take up the shield of faith, if we cannot manufacture faith within ourselves? By saturating ourselves in truth, in hearing the word of God. "So then faith [cometh] by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." (Romans 10:17)

Not just any word, mind you. The very rhēma of God, the words which He literally speaks. In fact, if you look at those verses in Romans just before verse 17, you'll notice that Paul tells those who are in Rome that it's all very well and good to say that people need to be believe, but how can they believe unless they have a preacher? I believe the Word of God is telling us here that the shield of faith is most readily taken up by the hearing of the preaching of the Word of God. Not just reading the Bible for yourself, but surrounding yourself in sound preaching. Saturating our mind by filling our ears with the preaching of the Word of God. So here we see that the piece of armor upon which Paul places the most emphasis, the one whereby we are able to quench the fires of the darts that are thrown at us, is again rooted in the Truth.

The helmet of salvation, which protects our head, is put on only by the faith which comes from the hearing of the Word of God. The sword of the Spirit, our only weapon, is... the Word of God.

Are you seeing a trend here?

When the enemy comes flying at you, with all the powers of darkness, what have you to protect you? The truth. What keeps our feet from slipping into a spiritual pit of captivity? The truth. What protects our heart, which scripture tells us is, above all things, a liar and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9)? The truth. How do we quench those fiery darts? With the truth. Finally, with what weapon can we defend ourselves from attack? The Word of God. The Truth.

Victory in spiritual battles can only be won with the truth of the Word of God. We cannot hope to stand against the devil's attacks if we are, as Dr. J. Vernon McGee so eloquently puts it, as ignorant of the Bible as a goat grazing grass on a hillside.

The Bible is the Christian's only hope in this war. That includes the Christian with a mental illness. Especially OCD. OCD attacks our truth. You can't rationalize the fears of OCD. You can't figure them out. We KNOW our fears are irrational; that's one of the reasons they bother us so much. Yes, sometimes medications are very necessary in controlling the physical symptoms of OCD and other illnesses; sometimes you must drown out the enemy's screams before you can hear the still small rhēma of God speaking to your heart. But I present to you that the medication is only one step in the process of gaining victory; you must attack the underlying issues as well, and this can only be fully accomplished by the faithful application of scripture.

At this stage in my battle against OCD, I have to flood myself with truth. My mind has become so clouded with lies and murky thinking that I am unable to see the up from the down. I have to actively surround myself with God's Word in as many forms as are available to the believer today. Technology may have provided the devil with access to the home, but it gave the Lord access as well.

So, what am I doing right now to gain back the spoils which the enemy has stolen from me? I am seeking wise counsel that is also rooted in Biblical teaching. I choose to read scripture, bible studies, commentaries or plain good teaching from trustworthy authors instead of the fiction which I so regularly enjoy. I am avoiding most movies for the same reason. It's not that I believe they are wrong; no, right now, I am most concerned with filling my mind with truth. A healthy person can enjoy many different types of food, but a person recovering from an illness or severe wound must choose foods that will nourish the body most effectively in order to heal.

I'd like to end on this thought. You'll notice that the passage in Ephesians doesn't tell us that we will be able to use our armor to make attacks on the enemy. It tells us that we will be able to stand. In fact, Paul says to stand, withstand, or simply be strong five times in that short passage. When we are being attacked by the enemy, it is NOT our job to attack him. It is our job to defend ourselves. Which image is more victorious? The image of a man fighting against a foe, or the image of a man who, upon being attacked, stands and remains unmoved. The enemy has not budged him an inch. He is still standing just as firm as he was before the attack. Oh, he has definitely wounded the enemy -- he has a potent weapon in that sword. But the goal is to stand. Which is why the children's song is so aptly fitting for today:

"The B-I-B-L-E
Yes! That's the book for me!
I stand alone on the Word of God
The B-I-B-L-E!"

It's not that the child of God stands lonely; it's that the Bible alone is the only place upon which we can firmly stand.

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

2009-05-20T02:19:00.000-05:00

The best illustration I ever received in describing the physical nature of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) was from Elizabeth Baker, who happens to be my dear grandmother-in-law as well as a valued mentor and teacher.

She described the human mind as a fishing net through which thoughts pass; thoughts were represented as varying degrees of gravel, sand, etc. Sand represents fleeting thoughts. Then you have pea gravel, small rocks, large rocks, and ultimately boulders. In a normally functioning mind, only the boulders get really "stuck" and need help being removed.

Then she described the OCD mind very succinctly: the net is too tight.

What a fantastic illustration! Having a spiritual nature, all humans must at some point battle removing the obstacles of the mind; Christians in particular have a pressing motivation for removing the objects that we don't want to keep. Now, imagine for a moment that a Christian has OCD. Without divine intervention, the mesh in the defective net isn't going to get enlarged; however, we still need to work spiritually at removing the obstacles, right?

The problem arises because so much more gets caught in the mind of an OCD believer. As Christians, we know that we have become a new creature in Christ, and as such, we are much disturbed by the things that are getting caught in our nets. The enemy fights dirty! He attacks us where we are weakest. For an OCD believer, the assaults of the evil one are particularly painful because not only can we not control the obsessions or compulsions that enter our mind, but we become distressed by the fact that we cannot rid ourselves of them. No amount of logic will deter the obsessions held in an OCD mind; we are fully aware that our obsessions are irrational.

For the believer, this is most distressing. We are admonished by scripture to cast our cares upon the Lord, and here we are: held in helpless captivity by our cares. This, of course, is precisely what the enemy wants. Not only can he attack us by causing us to be anxious, even limiting our ability to function at times, but now he is provided with an almost limitless source of shame with which to taunt us.

At one point in my battle against OCD, it was liberating to recognize that my OCD and the resulting exacerbation of my panic attacks (the body's response to an adrenaline switch stuck in the "ON" position) was, in a great way, the product of my fallible human body. When I became able to separate my OCD from my panic attacks, and furthermore the physical aspect of my OCD from the spiritual aspect of the fears that were getting stuck in the first place, I felt as though the battle had been won.

However, this stage in my spiritual walk is completely different. This new frontal assault on my OCD, I feel, has been a direct result of the building up of spiritual strongholds. I allowed myself to become spiritually parched -- unwatered, and unfed. I nurtured tiny sins that blossomed into full grown trees of spiritual captivity. By not being vigilant, I had opened myself up for spiritual attack. In my position of weakness, my faith became the perfect target, and my OCD the perfect vehicle to carry the fiery darts.

Now every day, every moment, is a fight. Every day the Lord is opening my eyes to areas of my spiritual hedge that I have allowed to become weak, areas of my life that I have allowed to stagnate or even fester. Every moment is an act of pure will to survive, to recover the spoils that the enemy has claimed. I am hanging onto the Lord in a way that I would never have imagined -- when, as C.S. Lewis said, I look all around me to discover all traces of the Lord's presence gone from me, and still choose to obey Him. This month has been a moment by moment battle in sweat and grit and tears, a focusing of my mind like a laser in order to allow no room for the OCD.

There's where the clincher comes in: my physical body, and its weakness, are affecting my spiritual walk. I made a difficult decision today -- I allowed the provision for an escape valve.

Those of you who know me personally know that I have a personal aversion to psychotropic medications. In fact, I rather dislike any pharmaceutical medication. Of course I recognize their uses and vital necessity in the saving of many lives, but I also hate to use them myself. It's a personal opinion, perhaps weakness, of mine. So, even the consideration of having an escape valve in the form of a pill was abhorrent to me.

I wrestled back and forth with it. In taking something in the heat of a debilitating panic attack, would I simply be ignoring my mind? Would I be avoiding a spiritual battle that needed to be sweated out? Or was my avoidance of medication ruining my ability to function so that I could not move ahead spiritually?

The biggest obstacle in this phase of my battle has been "trying to figure it out." I want to rationalize it, label it, box it in, and squish it. I want to gain peace by understanding, and understanding by the work of logic. I am fighting against the Holy Spirit with the concept that I cannot, will not ever be able to, have no hope of ever answering the riddles that plague me. Worst of all, I recognize that the faith that will quench these fiery darts is not something that I can work up within myself, or just try harder to obtain and thereby succeed.

It was then that I came to my conclusion. By allowing myself an escape valve, it was an act of proclamation. It was, in a sense, my decree that when, after fighting and sweating and doing all that is within me to battle against my OCD, it becomes a giant so huge that it starts to take over my body, and I begin to panic so that I cannot think, cannot breathe, cannot function, and feel that I cannot live, that I have the choice to say this:

"I have a disease. This disease causes me to be weak. You are attacking my weakness. I am tired of wrestling with you. I am tired of trying to rationalize you and figure you out. I don't care if you're right or not. You can be right. I am going to exercise my faith based on God's word, not how I feel or how I cannot rationalize or understand. Therefore, I am choosing not to listen to you any more. By the grace of God, you can be right all you want to -- I'm not listening to you any more. I'm going to rest now."

I have not yet had to take the medicine, which is a very mild, non-habit-forming sedative prescribed to me by a trusted physician who is a mature believer in Christ. Just knowing that I have the the "out" has been enough. It is my own weapon, as if to say, "Fine. Go ahead. Taunt me. But just know this: you aren't going to win."

Do I think the battle is over? With a certainty, NO. Not even close. But for this day I have been given strength -- and that is all that has ever been needed.

Prayer Request

2009-05-11T02:15:00.000-05:00

I have a prayer request to put before you.

A few years ago the Lord led me to a great bible study by Beth Moore (Breaking Free) which helped me tremendously in dealing with the spiritual aspects of my OCD and panic attacks, allowing me to separate the spiritual attack from the physical symptoms. I did very well for a few years, but I have had about a year or so now of spiritual dryness that seems to have sapped all of my reserves. Then, just a few weeks ago, under the direction of my nurse at my obstetrics office, I began taking a medication called Zoloft for severe chronic depression symptoms. I was apprehensive about taking the medication, but she assured me that Zoloft was safe to take during pregnancy. I was only on the medication for 4 days, because the Zoloft caused a severe serotonin imbalance, triggering the worst episodes of terror and panic I've had in years, on top of so much nausea that I lost more weight than I've gained this pregnancy, and severe headaches and disorientation. I stopped taking the medicine as soon as I realized the correlation, and within a few days, the physical symptoms had been relieved.

Unfortunately, since then, every day has been like an uphill spiritual battle, fighting off the panic and the obsessive thoughts. Additionally, because of this period of dryness, I feel as though my prayers are bouncing off of the ceiling, and "feel" no comfort from the Holy Spirit. My days are spent trying to "do what my hand finds to do" and "set my mind on things which are good, pure, etc" in an effort to stave off this suffocating flood of spiritual attack. While on the medicine, I felt as though I was drowning; now I feel as though my head is just barely above the water, and I struggle to perform even the most simple daily tasks. The Lord has brought many scriptures to my remembrance in the darkest times, but ... I just want to be able to live again, not to struggle to survive from moment to moment.

Please, if you would, intercede together on my behalf, asking for the Lord to fulfill His promise not to leave us comfortless, and that He would provide avenues by which my soul can feed -- I know that the preceding period of spiritual dryness contributed greatly to the severity of this attack.

I will not allow the devil to use my embarrassment over this issue to keep me silent; I am choosing to ask for help, to ask for those who are in Christ to come together with me and cry out before the throne of grace on my behalf -- for my deliverance. Please pray for me.

Zoloft - My Personal Experience

2009-05-01T14:06:00.005-05:00

Disclaimer: Do I think that all pharmaceutical medications are bad? No. Do I think that all psychotropic medications are bad? No. Am I personally recommending that no one in the whole entire world take Zoloft? NO. I am sharing this experience so that people can realize that not every medicine is perfect for every person, and not every problem has a “magic bullet.”

After experiencing 6 months of persistent chronic depression symptoms, and knowing that I have a personal history of difficulty in this area, I decided to bite the bullet. Anyone who knows me knows that I hesitate to take any medication at all, preferring to “tough it out” or use more natural, gentle methods to help the body do its job naturally. However, after about a month of intense depressive symptoms that left me drained, I decided to talk to my doctor about a “safe” mood stabilizer for pregnancy.

I was immediately recommended Zoloft™, which is the brand name for sertraline hydrochloride, a popular SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). **See notes below on SSRI function**. I was hesitant to make a commitment right away; honestly, I was expecting her to say, “No, there isn’t anything safe to take during pregnancy.” I called a trusted friend, a former licensed counselor, for advice on the subject. She initially recommended that I avoid the medication, and try behavioral therapy first. She did agree, however, that there was a good chance that the medication would make a temporary solution to make my symptoms more bearable until I could address the underlying issues causing the imbalance.

I also did some private research on Zoloft™, but only in the realm of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Previous experience with SSRIs told me that there would be a time period of adjustment to the medication, just as with any medicine, in which I might experience digestive upsets, drowsiness or insomnia, etc. The red flag that went up for me is that when Zoloft™ is taken during the last trimester of pregnancy, it increases the risk for pulmonary problems in the infant. That makes sense; the last trimester is when the lungs are forming, branching out the bronchi and forming the complex system that brings life-giving oxygen to the blood. So naturally, I called my nurse back to express this concern.

She assured me that in the 10 or so years she had been practicing, she had never seen pulmonary problems in the infants of mothers who took Zoloft™ during the third trimester. Because the only research I had done was in respect to pregnancy and breastfeeding, this assurance was enough to persuade me to put aside my personal fear of pharmaceutical medications and try the Zoloft™ in hopes of alleviating the depressive symptoms long enough to think clearly and address the underlying issues.

The first day wasn’t so bad. About three hours after I took the medication, I had some nausea and lost my appetite, but for the first day on a new medication, I expected it. The second day, the side effects progressed. I started experiencing anxiety symptoms; since I have a problem with anxiety disorder and OCD, this didn’t really throw up any flags. I had auditory hallucinations when trying to sleep at nap time, which I informed my husband of in case it became a recurring issue. By evening, I was so nauseated that I sat at the table and watched my family eat dinner – something I haven’t done since my first pregnancy.

Day Three: I spent some time in my favorite health food store browsing before an appointment across town, and while perusing the foodie section, I came across a bright orange flyer on SSRIs. It was warning about the use of SSRIs in children, but particularly it cited statistics that Zoloft™ was shown to be effective in the treatment of OCD in children at a rate of 59%, 10% more than the placebo sugar pill. 10% more than a sugar pill? Only 59% effective? How strange! The wheels started to turn in my mind, but aside from the concern that I might be enduring all the nausea and hot flashes for nothing, it didn’t change anything. Again, starting three hours from taking the medication, I started experiencing untoward symptoms. I was eating lunch with my husband and children at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. Suddenly, I was so overcome with nausea that I was unable to eat my lunch, or even to chew it. The taste became as cardboard in my mouth, and I mechanically chewed as much of my meal as I could bear. I boxed half of it to take home. During the course of the meal, however, I started feeling very “loopy” and confused. I would turn my head and it seemed that it took my mind a long, slow time to adjust to the movement. My food didn’t quite look right on the plate. I stared off into space, and realized that I wasn’t hearing my children talking to me. I expressed my concern to my husband about driving home with the children; he just advised me to “push through it.” This agitated me; I was being acted upon by an outside chemical force. How does one push through that?!? I knew he was right about one thing, though – I had to get home. I don’t remember much of the rest of that day. I tried to finish my lunch later in the afternoon and was uncertain whether I could keep it down. The excessive salivation and nausea was enough that I was sure I couldn’t make it to a safe place to vomit if the time came. Thankfully I was able to bear through it.

The true realization came on the night of day three, however. Insomnia was at its worst – when you’re exhausted, long for sleep, and yet the sleep doesn’t come. I wasn’t even able to attempt sleep until at least 2-3 AM, 2 hours past my usual ritual relaxation stage. I tried to lie down, and then I was wracked with the most excruciating panic attack I’ve had in years. About 3:30, I woke my husband, begging for help. I couldn’t quite articulate what I needed, and bless him, in his sleepy state he isn’t the most patient of people. “Think of something else!” he says. Think of something else… I couldn’t think of anything else to think of!! But he was half-asleep, so it was excusable. He suggested taking a barefoot walk around the backyard, feeling the cool wetness of the grass on my feet. I stumbled around the yard, crying and praying and begging for help. When I returned to the house, I vacillated between stumbling blindly around the house and kneeling on the floor, rocking back and forth. It was hideous. This lasted until at least 4:30 in the morning, when stumbling to the bathroom for about the 15th time (hooray pregnancy), I had the presence of mind to pray that the Lord would bind the demons that were using my physical weakness to torment my mind, that He would cast them out of my house, and that He would raise up a shield of protection over myself and my family. I stumbled back to the bed, falling into a fitful, exhausted sleep. I woke about every twenty minutes for several more hours. I had hot and cold flashes, physical feelings of intense terror, sweats, and an uncontrollable obsessive thought pattern.

I woke on the morning of Day 4 to the immediate return of the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. I honestly don’t remember much of day 4; it was mostly just surviving. I took my medication faithfully at 9 AM. I thought for a while that perhaps I was finally adjusting to the medication, forgetting that my symptoms never surfaced until about three hours after consuming the pill. I spent some time in the early morning sun, pulling weeds from a seated position. I walked to the mailbox and back, and watched the dogs play. I tried everything I could think of to help ease my panic. Lunchtime hit, and by that point it was obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to eat that day, either. I began to suspect that the Zoloft™ was aggravating my OCD rather than helping it, and looked up the drug information on Zoloft™ on www.drugs.com. Here is what I found:

“Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.”

Whaaaat? Zoloft™ is often prescribed FOR the treatment of OCD and other anxiety disorders. You mean it could make it worse? You’re kidding. I called my nurse up, and she assured me that the medication had not possibly been in my system long enough for the therapeutic effects to start working. I insisted that I thought I should at least give the medication a break for a few days, to see if my anxiety symptoms lessened. If they persisted or got worse, in spite of discontinuing the Zoloft™, I agreed to try something else to target the depression. She was very reluctant to agree to this, but I was adamant. I’m not going to pose risk to my unborn child for a medication that doesn’t work for my body.

The afternoon was terrible. I could barely function. I sat, curled up, on my front stoop, because it faces to the south and had direct, beating sunshine. I attempted to play with my dogs, barely able to concentrate even on the feeling of their fur beneath my fingers. I stayed on the porch there until the nausea from the added heat of the sun became unbearable. I called up my trusted friend again, telling her everything that had happened. She was surprised to find out that a medication commonly used in treating anxiety disorders actually had a warned side effect of increasing the anxiety instead of aiding it. We talked for a long time, and I was able to calm some. It helped to know that she not only believed me, she understood – at least, on an academic level – what I was going through. We discussed a few options to help with my underlying spiritual dryness and the return of my previously controlled OCD. I still felt terrible, but I felt as if a burden had been lifted. I had hope! I wasn’t imagining things. There was a genuine possibility that the medication WAS making me have these terrible intrusive thoughts. It’s not that the medication itself it bad; it’s that it is bad for me, for my body.

I went out with my husband and family again that evening; payday is usually grocery day. We went to a local Italian place in hopes of finding simple, digestible starches for me. Unfortunately I was only able to eat a few bites of my meal and a single piece of bread. The nausea and confusion were coming again in waves, making it difficult to concentrate on my husband’s face as he spoke. I somehow managed to make it through Wal-mart to get a few things, and then we began the drive back to Pittsburg to do our grocery shopping. I could hardly tolerate the ride home, the nausea was so pervasive. Then, about halfway through our shopping, my intrusive, obsessive thoughts came back. The nausea hit in another wave. The hot flashes returned. I pushed through, although I’m sure I forgot a few things that I’ll need to get this weekend. We went home, and I went straight to the phone to call my dear friend. I talked to her as I put away the groceries. She prayed for me, there on the phone, that I would have comfort to make it through the night. Even as I knew that this night would be a battle, I felt encouraged, and my obsessive thoughts began to recede. A warmth suffused my face, and my headache started to recede. I was able to function a little, buoyed up by the hope that on the morrow, I would NOT be taking the medication and would begin to see an improvement over my symptoms.

I paid bills. I listened to a favorite children’s radio program with my husband and son. I piddled about on the internet, and my anxiety stayed at manageable levels. I headed to bed around 12:30, in spite of the rising panic and obsessive thoughts. I knelt and prayed a short prayer – that the Lord would bind the demons tormenting my mind, and that I might rest. I woke about every twenty minutes to repeat this exercise: toilet, stumble to bed, pray, fall into bed, sleep fitfully, wake. Finally, I gave in. Around 3:30, I prayed that if the Lord wanted me to endure this terrible mess, so be it. I would bear it, if only He would give me the courage, and would bind the obsessive thoughts. I slept in as little as possible, the hot flashes and sweating waking me up and keeping me uncomfortable. My son woke screaming with a bloody nose, and I cleaned him up, and brought him to bed with us, wrapping my arms around his tiny body. I prayed again that the Lord would help me to bear the burden He had chosen for me, and I finally slept.

At some point on day 4, I happened to scroll down the rest of the page at www.drugs.com, and here is what I found:

“Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
· very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, overactive reflexes;
· nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite, feeling unsteady, loss of coordination; or
· headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, confusion, hallucinations, fainting, seizure, shallow breathing or breathing that stops.

Less serious Zoloft side effects may include:
· drowsiness, dizziness, tired feeling;
· mild nausea, stomach pain, upset stomach, constipation;
· dry mouth;
· changes in appetite or weight;
· sleep problems (insomnia); or
· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.”
(Excerpted from http://www.drugs.com/zoloft.html, emphasis mine)

It was then that I realized that there was no way I could have been imagining the symptoms; I didn’t even read this list until after I had already called my nurse to inform her of my decision to discontinue the medication.

Today is day 5. Slowly over the course of the day, my OCD has lessened to a background irritation, like the buzzing of a fly. I am able to think more clearly, and my appetite is very slowly returning. I have lost three and a half pounds over the course of these few days, bringing me back down below my conception weight. As my mind clears, shaking off the vestiges of the medication, it is becoming more apparent that my gut feeling was right – that this medication, although it may help others, is not for me.

I was really hoping that I would be better by the end of the evening, but the night time symptoms are returning. Granted, they are twenty bajillion times better than they were yesterday, but they are still there. My husband thinks it will be a few days before my system will completely purge itself of the effects. I was sure hoping for a better night's sleep though.

**SSRI – what is an SSRI? An SSRI is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It functions by slowing your body’s ability to reabsorb the chemical serotonin in your brain, thereby leaving more serotonin available for use.**

Warning from the Mayo Clinic on serotonin syndrome:

“Serotonin syndrome requires immediate medical treatment. Signs and symptoms include:

Confusion
Restlessness
Hallucinations
Extreme agitation
Fluctuations in blood pressure
Increased heart rate
Nausea and vomiting
Fever
Seizures
Coma”
(Excerpted from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ssris/MH00066)

Cake!

2009-04-24T23:02:00.003-05:00

I just finished decorating Melody's birthday cake for tomorrow. I admit -- I cheated and bought an iced layer cake from the grocery store. However, I doctored it with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and I really love the results.

You can do it too! Just take scissors and trim the stems down to 2-3 inches, and push the flowers into the cake from the center out. I added the feathery parts last, pushing them in here and there as I saw fit. I also tried to choose a cake with colors that fit the bouquet I had picked out, but if you're making the cake yourself, the possibilities are endless. I would like this with a lavender or green base and basket-weave on the outside, if I was doing it myself. Pretty pretty! Kinda expensive, though -- definitely not as cheap as baking and decorating from scratch, or even from a mix and canned frosting. Definitely answers in the pretty and the time-saving department, though.

Pregnancy + bedrest != able to do scratch cakes :P

Today's Lunch

2009-04-16T14:45:00.002-05:00

Today's lunch has no title, because it was one of those fantastic at-the-stove improvisations.

Swirled light olive oil around a warm skillet and snipped fresh oregano in. Let that get all nice and fragrant while I cut some beef stew meat into quite small pieces (think smaller than dice). Lightly sauteed the beef on a medium-low heat. When it was mostly brown, I added about half a cup of water to make broth. I seasoned this with salt, a bit of Tony Chachere's (creole seasoning), a splash of red wine, a splash of soy sauce, and about an eight teaspoon each of ginger paste and wasabe. I thickened the broth with a bit of cornstarch.

When it was nice and bubbly, I stirred in some fresh steamed white rice and served this to my children for lunch.

MMM!

Amazing Chicken Noodle Soup

2009-04-13T16:51:00.003-05:00

The family is yucky with allergies so I decided to make up a batch of chicken noodle soup. However, my broth usually feels "empty" when I don't roast the chicken first, so in my experimenting I found a perfectly acceptable flavor helper. Cooking sherry. How exciting!

For your enjoyment:

Amazing Chicken Noodle Soup

Skin a whole chicken and remove as much visible fat as you can be bothered with. I've been using organic chickens as of late. Put this into a cold soup pot and cover with water. Lid this and put it on the stove to boil. Skim the scummy yuck off the top and lower the heat to medium low. Leave this for a few hours to get fall apart goodness going on.

Remove, with difficulty, the chicken from the pot. Strain the broth so there aren't any of those teeny renegade bones in it and return it to the pot. I cheat and use two pots for this. Put all the chicken mass onto a plate and allow it to cool.

While the chicken is cooling, continue to heat the broth over a low heat. Season this with salt, fresh cracked pepper, and crumbled sage from last year's garden. Okay okay, you can probably use the store stuff. But mine's better :D Use lots. :P When the chicken is cool enough to handle, sit at the stove and put chunks of chicken straight from the bone into the broth. Avoid cartilage, fat, bone, and any non-muscle tissue. Ew. Anyways.

After you've used most of your chicken (I say most because my children hover whenever I piece out chicken. "Mommy? Chicken? Please?"), pour in about a cup of sherry and a cup or two of penne pasta. Bring to a light simmer and then lower the heat to lowish. Don't bother to cover it -- it's alright for this to condense.

I use penne because it's the fattest and holds up well to long cooking times without getting all... gooey. Also, penne was what was in the pantry :D

You could probably do the cooking the chicken part in the crock pot and then make the soup in the evening. The house sure smells good today.

Next to the chicken soup on the stove is my first batch of homemade chocolate syrup. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Cheesy Grits

2009-04-13T10:18:00.003-05:00

Mmmmmm!

Heat in a skillet over medium low heat:

a tablespoon or two of bacon grease (or substitute pure butter)

When this is melted, stir in enough uncooked grits to soak up the grease. Toast this for a few minutes, then add water, a little at a time. Start out with half a cup of water and then as the grits simmer and thicken, thin them a bit at a time. Season with salt and fresh cracked pepper.

When the grits are thick and soft and slightly creamy, turn off the heat and stir in a bit of cheddar cheese. The latent heat in the pan will be plenty to melt the cheese adequately.

Serve warm.

MMMMMMM

Chicken Shitake in Lemon Wine Sauce

2009-04-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

This isn't -quite- chicken tetrazzini, since it contains neither almonds nor cheese, but it IS a fantastic chicken pasta dish.

Chicken Shitake in Lemon Wine Sauce

leftover roast chicken or other chopped, cooked chicken pieces
fresh shitake or other mushrooms, sliced thinly
one-half of a small lemon, sliced (including rind)
sherry or other light-colored cooking wine
milk or cream
salt
freshly ground pepper
basil, preferably fresh
chicken stock or water
cornstarch

Okay, first things first -- the reason there aren't any measurements for this recipe is because I didn't measure when I made it. It was one of those "this'n'that" sort of things that I decided to write down. So you'll have to be brave and follow your tastes on this.

Into a nice big cast iron skillet, I pieced out the roast chicken from the night before, allowing it to heat slowly. I poured a bit of whole milk in over the chicken to keep it from drying out, and to start absorbing some of the yummy chicken-ness. By a bit, I'm talking less than half a cup here. Just a bit. Anyhow, I poured over that approximately an equal amount of sherry, stirring until everything was just combined.

I then sliced the mushrooms, plopping them indiscriminately into the "broth" that was forming as I sliced. Stirring to make sure everything was well coated, I sliced into this about half of a small lemon and stirred again.

Not having any chicken stock on hand, I added water mixed with cornstarch to the sauce -- I would have preferred stock, as the water left it a little flat. I seasoned this with kosher salt, fresh cracked black pepper and a liberal sprinkling of dried basil. I must admit, though, not having stock to bulk the sauce out with left it flat enough that I added a couple tablespoons of pure butter to flesh out the taste.

Total elapsed cooking time was between twenty and thirty minutes. Once the sauce was thickened from the cornstarch, I lowered the temperature to low and kept the concoction heated while setting the table, etc. We served this over boiled linguine pasta alongside a fresh green salad. We agreed that this is definitely a repeat dish, but next time I'll make a good strong stock from the carcass first or add a tiny amount of chicken bouillon, and it wanted a bit more of the fresh pepper to accent the lemony-wine goodness.

Excellent way to use up "leftover" chicken, which I don't count as leftover since this hardly counts as using up leftovers -- rather that it was a much yummier way of cooking the chicken pieces rather than sauteeing them in the pan.

Cheater!! Cheesy Chicken Pasta

2009-03-27T11:51:00.002-05:00

Lunchtime emergency? This feeds a hungry mommy (with seconds!) and two young'uns with leftovers enough for a supper side dish.

Boil up a few dry cups of your choice pasta - I used rotini, but shells would be good, too. Drain and return to the pan on the burner, heat off. Stir in a can of cream of chicken soup and thin this with a few tablespoons of milk. Stir into this a small, drained can of diced tomatoes with green chilies. Stir in several thin slices of real cheddar cheese until all is smooth and creamy; feel free to be liberal with the cheese.

I served this with canned peaches and mango-pineapple juice.

How to Rescue a Dry, Overdone Pot Roast

2009-03-10T20:00:00.002-05:00

Sermon run later than expected? Forget what time you put the roast on? Tried to do it overnight and ended up with a hard piece of meat and a pan coated with condensed juices?

As long as nothing burned, this can still be salvaged into a tasty meal. Take the meat out of the pan and set aside. Put at least 1 cup of hot water into the pan and set onto cold burners and heat VERY slowly at a low temp; my stove goes up to (10) and I never got above a (3). If you managed to burn the roast in a pan that's unsafe to try the burner tops, try the deglazing with just hot water, and then pour it into a suitable saucepan to continue.

While the water is heating, use a whisk, fork, or even a spatula to start encouraging those condensed yummy bits to dissolve into the water. This process speeds up significantly once the condensation has softened a bit under the water. (This is called deglazing the pan, since your pan juices have formed a hard coating not unlike a glaze on a ceramic pot). Many people deglaze with wine, but I find it too sharp to use straight up in the gravy.

Once the water looks more like beef broth and less like weak tea (ew), tear apart the roast into tiny pieces and put them into the pan. Stir frequently to coat and soften the meat. Pour into it a mixture of cornstarch and water to thicken the gravy, and stir stir stir to prevent clumps.

This is fantastic served over rice. In fact, my mother used to serve rice about as often as she served potatoes with a roast, so this dish brought back fond memories.

Particulars: I used about 4 cups of water to deglaze a 9x13 baking pan, and I put into it a mixture of about 2 heaping tablespoons of cornstarch to 1/4c. cold water, mixed perfectly smooth before integrating in to the beef and broth. You may use more or less water, depending on the amount of "glaze" left on your pans; start with 1 cup and add until the mixture tastes pleasantly of beef, not like you're chewing on undiluted bouillon granules 0.o

There it is, proof that even a ruined roast isn't ruined.

Unless you burn it. Then you might as well go for sandwiches or takeout. Burned beef glaze does NOT make yummy gravy.

What is an Incompetent Cervix?

2009-03-05T11:54:00.002-06:00

An incompetent cervix is an affliction which goes undiagnosed until a woman has her first severely premature birth or has a history of repeated miscarriages. An incompetent cervix is unable to bear the weight of pregnancy without assistance; it's as though the moment the baby is heavy enough to bear down on the cervix, the body says "oh! It's time to have a baby!" The dilations of an incompetent cervix are usually painless, so they usually go unnoticed until it's too late.

My first child was born at 27 weeks gestation, which is 13 weeks premature. They diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix. My cervix dilated so fast that it tore my low-lying placenta and ruptured my membranes, so I was hemhorraging freely. Ethan is healthy and about to be four years old.

I had a cerclage with my second pregnancy. My premature contractions with her didn't begin until at least 32 weeks, and the cerclage didn't budge. I was able to get to the hospital in time to receive Breathine to stop the contractions, and she wasn't born until the week before my scheduled cesarean.

This is my third pregnancy, and I just had my cerclage performed yesterday. See previous post for details.

Cerclage Procedure - TMI for the squeamish

2009-03-05T11:10:00.004-06:00

I had my cerclage done yesterday; I am at 15 weeks gestation with baby #3. I was given spinal anesthesia and requested no sedation for the procedure. The cerclage was done because of history of premature labor from an incompetent cervix.

They put a small shot in my back to numb me, and then used a very small needle for the spinal, since I had a history of spinal headache. This spinal didn't hurt nearly as much as the last time, and the staff was very supportive. I had a dear sweet Melissa whose job was to stand by my head and talk to me during the procedure. She was very helpful in giving me something to focus on, which turned out to be instrumental in dealing with my panic episode later on -- more on this in a minute.

After the shot was administered, they laid me back on the bed to begin prep for the surgery. They draped a fabric near my face, and then propped my legs up in stirrups. They checked every few minutes for the effectiveness of the anesthesia, and also used the opportunity to wash and disinfect the areas. When the anesthesia was completely effective, I could feel deep muscle pressure on my legs but no pain, and I was "paralyzed" in that I was unable to use any muscles below my belly button. Normally I handle this feeling well. At this point I started to struggle with some nausea, and heavily salivating, so they administered some Robaxin to help combat the excessive saliva.

The actual cerclage only took about 4.5 minutes, which is mildly amusing considering how many hours it took before the spinal was worn off enough to be safe to leave the hospital.

I ended up having a pretty bad panic attack in the OR after the procedure was over, because this time the anesthesia created a very intense feeling of pressure on my legs, as though they were trapped; since this creates an almost involuntary urge to kick your legs, I couldn't seem to get my body to shush and listen to my brain, so I ended up with a hysterical episode that was short, but humiliating. I'm always distressed by my inability to stop a severe panic attack once it has begun; I'm usually good at avoiding them, but if I manage to have one, I'm pretty embarrassed at my inability to "snap out of it." Which is silly for anyone who understands the whole concept, but when you have a nurse telling you "no no, you can't do that," it's rather difficult not to be embarrassed.

Once the initial attack was over, I struggled to stave off future episodes by focusing my attention anywhere that would keep me from the the intense pressure in my legs and thus throw me into another episode. It was especially hard in the recovery room, as most people are generally asleep in here. This is where I started having trouble with nausea again, probably as a combination of the anesthesia and the severe anxiety. I also had some numbness in my hands from the hyperventilation, which disappated after an hour or so.

Every other time I've received spinal anesthetic, I have had hives afterward; hallelujah, this time I didn't. Definitely a blessing.

They offered me some medication for my nausea, but since it came in waves instead of being a constant affliction, I didn't choose to take it. They also offered to administer some Benadryl to help me sleep off the recovery time, but I chose to stay alert. I'm not sure whether this was a good decision or not, but at least it kept me in somewhat control of my mental faculties.

Once I was back into my day-surgery room, I was given some crackers and lemon-lime soda to help with the nausea. Unfortunately I vomited this, but I only had the one vomiting episode. I'm not sure if the vomiting was anxiety or medicine related, but none-the-less I felt 10x better once I had vomited. I continued to get nauseated with head movement, and light-headed, so they kept me in the hospital probably more hours than they would have if I hadn't had the reaction.

When I had finally eaten enough saltines to combat my low sodium and sugar levels (no food or drink since 10pm the night before), they gave me some chicken soup. This helped immensely with the nausea and lightheadedness, so I'm thinking that it was my sodium that was the problem. I've been craving salty foods periodically and having low BP symptoms, so the nurse agreed that it was probably the case.

The ride home was very bumpy and nausea promoting :P I survived, though. I took a three hour nap when I got home, and slept 8 hours last night. My light bleeding has pretty much stopped, so except for the fatigue and menstrual-type soreness, I have no residual effects.

Thanks for listening, and I hope this helps any of you who will need the procedure in future.

Seared Sirloin Steaks, Zucchini, and Rotini Pasta

2009-02-28T20:31:00.006-06:00

So, here's dinner from tonight:

Seared Sirloin Steaks, Zucchini, and Rotini Pasta

I poured into a plate some pure olive oil, and squeezed into it one half of a ginormous lemon (you could use a whole small one); then I seasoned it with salt and fresh cracked pepper, and whisked it up smooth with a fork. I coated the steaks with this mixture Clara style (see previous post on Depression Era Cooking) and threw them in the hot pan to sear.

From A New Old-Fashioned Mommy

I cooked these on both sides until they were nice and browned on the outside, and medium rare on the inside. Meanwhile, I'm boiling pasta,

From A New Old-Fashioned Mommy

and broiling zucchini spears that I have seasoned with Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning.

From A New Old-Fashioned Mommy

When the meat was done, I transferred it to a plate and deglazed the pan with a little sherry; we used this as a drizzling sauce for the meat:

From A New Old-Fashioned Mommy

I drained the tender pasta and coated it with the remainder of the lemony goodness that I had oiled the meat with. Germophobes beware ;) It is not "recommended" to use any fluid which has come into contact with uncooked meat unless you simmer it first. I didn't.

The zucchini wasn't quite done with the rest of the meal, so I nuked it for a few minutes to quickly steam the insides.

Here is a picture of the finished meal, along with a closeup of my star, the sirloin that I got on sale for $3.31:

From A New Old-Fashioned Mommy

To drink, we had lightly sweetened lemon-berry water -- the leftover lemon that I squeezed into the oil, a double handful of frozen strawberries, 3/4 c. raw sugar and some leftover strawberry juicey syrup from the fridge mixed into a gallon of water.

Yum!

Depression Cooking with Clara

2009-02-28T16:51:00.003-06:00

I have recently discovered a beautiful, dear elderly lady who posts cooking videos on YouTube. Clara shares her own personal recipes and her mama's recipes from the Great Depression, cooking with the old li'l of this'n'that way. She reminds me so much of mama, and of my Mamaw; she is a joy and a treasure to watch. If you are a fan of old country-style cooking, want some frugal recipes, or just want to reminisce about your own fantastic gramma, this is the place to head.

Frugal Fruity Oatmeal

2009-02-27T10:58:00.002-06:00

Love oatmeal, but don't like paying for flavors? Want a fast breakfast that's both healthy and yummy? Try my Frugal Fruity Oatmeal:

1 c. old-fashioned oats
1 3/4 c. water
1/2 - 1 c. fruited yogurt, chilled

Stir the oatmeal and water together in an oversized microwave safe dish; your mixture should only come halfway up the sides of the container. Otherwise, you have an overflow risk. Feel free to substitute all or part of the water for milk for added nutritional value. Microwave on high for four minutes or until the grains are soft and have absorbed all of the liquid. Stir the cool yogurt into the oatmeal to your preferred consistency. If it's still too thick for your preferences, add a bit of milk or water to thin it. This should be eating temperature (the yogurt cooled it), so enjoy quickly before it cools off and solidifies ;) Isn't oatmeal great?

Vary your bowl by using vanilla yogurt instead of fruited, and spice it with cinnamon or ginger (or both!); better still, thin it with plain yogurt and top it with pure maple syrup, honey, or brown sugar. Top it with fruit or nuts. Oatmeal is incredibly versatile.

In addition to its versatility, oatmeal is incredibly good for you. It's soothing on the digestive tract; oatmeal is often used in skin preparations to soothe and heal broken, itchy, or painful skin conditions. It's a whole grain, so you get the benefit of the germ, the endosperm, and the bran. Also, oats have been shown to lower cholesterol and help cleans the blood, so add some oats to your diet.

Fantastic Fudge - With Variations

2008-12-03T14:40:00.002-06:00

It's time for Christmas candy again, so I have listed here for your enjoyment my slight modification of the classic Fantasy Fudge recipe that USED to be on the back of the Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme jar before they CHANGE it :P

Favorite Fudge

3 c. sugar
3/4 c. butter
2/3 c. evaporated milk (1 small 5-oz can)
1 1/2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips (3/4 of a standard package)
1 - 7 oz jar marshmallow creme
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Bring sugar, butter, and milk to a rolling boil for five minutes, stirring constantly. This is essential to prevent the milk from scorching on the bottom of the pan. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla, marshmallow creme, and chocolate chips. Pour into a greased 9"x 13" pan that has been lined with parchment or waxed paper. Cool or chill until firm; lift out of the pan and cut into one inch squares. Store in an airtight container.

Note: this recipe contains milk. If you intend to store it for longer than a few weeks, pop it in the freezer to keep it from molding.

Variations:

Deep Dark Fudge with Pecans
Increase the chocolate chips from 1 1/2 cups to 2 full cups and use dark chocolate or bittersweet chocolate instead of standard semi-sweet chips. Add a cup or more of finely chopped pecans with the chocolate chips.

Milk Chocolate Fudge
Substitute milk chocolate chips for the semi-sweet ones. WARNING: This is quite sweet!

A Symphony of Fudge
Increase the chocolate chips from 1 1/2 cups to 2 full cups. Can substitute milk chocolate or dark chocolate. Stir in a full two cups (8 oz by weight) of chopped toffee bits and a cup or more of chopped almonds. Note: this is my favorite variation.

Other common additions:
Chopped candy canes
Shredded Coconut

I have personally never made peanut butter fudge, but I would imagine that you would substitute peanut butter for the marshmallow creme, or make it in two layers. I have also toyed with the idea of substituting different types of "chips" for the chocolate: i.e., vanilla chips, butterscotch chips, or white chocolate. However, since I am personally fond of chocolate fudge, I have never quite gotten around to it.

Hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I do. This is my mainstay of Christmas candy. On non-tired years I also make divinity, date balls, and sweet candied fruit "cake" (not to be confused with fruitcake). This year I am making three varied batches of fudge, our family's traditional apple pie supper for Christmas Eve, and hopefully my husband's favorite tradition: hot homemade cinnamon rolls for Christmas Morning breakfast.

Believe it or not: Simple Curried Pumpkin Soup

2008-11-04T10:38:00.002-06:00

In my experimentation looking for cost effective, yumminess to serve to my children and husband, I came across an idea that I played with until it was decidedly un-nasty. It is, in fact, quite good, if you can get your head around the pre-conceived notion that pumpkins were invented for pies.

Simple Curried Pumpkin Soup

1/2 small onion, minced
large lump of butter or margarine, approximately 4 tablespoons
1/2 can (approximately 1 cup) pureed pumpkin
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can water

1/2 - 1 tsp curry powder
fresh cracked pepper

Melt the butter over medium heat and saute the onions until they are tender and just starting to caramelize on the edges. Stir in the pumpkin and soup, blending all together. Whisk in the can of water until the mixture is completely homogeneous. Blend in the curry powder and a fresh turn or two of the pepper mill. Turn down the heat and allow to simmer on low for at least 15 minutes to blend the flavors. Pour into soup bowls and serve with buttery crackers on the side.

I've considered publishing my own cookbook, considering all the original recipes I've got under my hat. Opinions?

Cheesecake-Filled Pumpkin Loaf

2008-10-31T21:45:00.002-05:00

Here is the recipe I invented for the Bethel Fall Fest silent auction:

Cheesecake-Filled Pumpkin Loaf

3 c. sugar
1 c. cooking oil
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 c. water
1 15-oz can pumpkin
3 1/3 c. all-purpose flour
-----
instant cheesecake mix
12 oz can evaporated milk, very cold

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and spray two loaf pans with non-stick spray. In a large mixing bowl, add the first 12 ingredients in order, one at a time, until well blended. Pour the batter evenly into the two loaf pans and bake for an hour or until the centers are firm to the touch. No gooshies, pls. Allow the cake to cool in the pans for about ten minutes and then turn out onto plates or racks to cool completely.

Once the loaves have sufficiently cooled, blend the dry cheesecake powder with the cold milk until lump free. Set aside. Using a serrated blade, carve out the tops of the loaves so that there is a nice well that runs the length of the bread. Pour the prepared cheesecake mixture into the hollows of the bread. Slice the tops off of the carved out pieces so that they are flat, and use them as lids to cover the top of the bread. Chill thoroughly, and if necessary, prop up the sides of the loaves while the cheesecake sets. For best results, chill at least an hour before slicing.

Yields: 2 loaves.

Some of you may wonder why I chose to use instant cheesecake mixture instead of homemade cheesecake blend in the centers of these yummy loaves. The answer is simple: When I created this recipe, I wanted to be able to fill the bread and have the centers set up without having to bake the bread twice. I used the evaporated milk to improve the flavor and texture of the filling.

FreeCycle

2008-10-17T22:08:00.002-05:00

This is a copy of my Freecycle.org welcome letter. Freecycle is available all over the country. Logon to www.freecycle.org to check for a group in your area.

FREECYCLE™ HAS ARRIVED IN MT. PLEASANT AND SURROUNDING AREAS!!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Mt_Pleasant_TX_Freecycle/

YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO DRAG YOUR OLD, GENTLY USED, NO-LONGER-WANTED ITEMS TO A LOCAL CHARITY OR TO THE DUMP. INSTEAD, YOU MAY ADVERTISE YOUR ITEM OR DONATION AS A GIFT, AND THE RECIPIENTS WILL HELP YOU MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO PICK IT UP! SAVE TIME AND KEEP GOOD USED ITEMS IN CIRCULATION, ..........AND OUT OF THE DUMPSTERS, AND AWAY FROM THOSE WHO WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR GENEROSITY TO TURN A PROFIT FOR THEMSELVES!!

Within an hour, a day, or short period of time you can be a 'giver', help another, and feel better about yourself without leaving the comfort of your computer and your home!

This group is new! Chances are that YOU are among the very first members, so please be patient while others find our website! While the group is getting started, please contact all your friends that use a computer and live in Mt. Pleasant, Titus, Camp, Franklin, and Morris Counties including other small towns and rural areas! Either give them a copy of this notice or give them the web address: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Mt_Pleasant_TX_Freecycle/

Print out this notice and give it to your friends asking them to check out our website and be one of the very first members to join the group. Take a copy of this e-mail to all the places where you go often and ask your beautician, your co-workers, your neighbors, parents, children, local e-mail contacts, ALERT your favorite benevolent charities and encourage them to 'check out' the new concept of 'Giving'!!!

They may go directly to the website at:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Mt_Pleasant_TX_Freecycle/

They may 'search' or 'Google' the work "Freecycle" or "freecycle.org" on their search engines and it will take them to the main Freecycle™ website! Once on the Freecycle™ website, look in the SOUTHWESTERN section of the website. Scroll down to "TEXAS" and look for MT. PLEASANT !!! There, you will find two buttons, one that will take you directly to the website, and another that will let you join the Freecycle™ Network immediately!!

The "SPIRIT OF GIVING" will enrich your life, ........and YOU might just find a real treasure that someone else no longer needs!!! Hop on board and let's get started!!!

Quick Farina Bread

2008-10-14T11:18:00.004-05:00

This recipe arose out of necessity, ie being out of bread and having forgotten to get some at the store. I like to bake my own bread, but I usually detest the length of time that it takes to do it. Old fashioned bread is therapeutic, but time-consuming. So, remembering a muffin recipe somewhere, I adapted it to create this quick bread recipe I present to you now:

Quick Farina Bread

1 egg
1 c. buttermilk
1/4 c. any granular sugar (I used raw sugar this week)
1 c. dry cream of farina/cream of wheat/malt-o-meal etc cereal
1 c. self-rising flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Mix everything together except the baking soda; add it last and combine well. Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake at 375 degree Fahrenheit oven for about half an hour.

I cut the loaf in half crosswise, then stood each half on end and got three slices from it. This is a crispy edge, crumbly sort of homey bread that went really well with our bean soup, but not so well soaked in the broth.

Old-Fashioned Potato Soup

2008-09-18T13:48:00.004-05:00

This is what I made today when I was feeling poorly and missing my mom. I never fail to have warm, happy thoughts while sipping this soup.

Mama's Potato Soup:

Cut a baking potato into teeny little cubes and put in a saucepan with enough water to cover. Add some extra water, maybe half again as much. Salt the water and turn up the heat. Simmer until the potatoes can be skooshed with a fork. Turn off the heat; pour in some milk (until it looks right, LOL) and a big fat dollop of butter. Stir until butter is melted and serve in a big fat bowl with a spoon. This is good to dip saltine crackers in, as well.

This soup is easily digestible and therefore good for tummy buggys.

My New Truck

2008-09-11T23:05:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's official. I am the proud owner of a blue 2001 Dodge Ram extended cab. We traded in the silver Chrysler and the white Plymouth, and I told Charlie that since the motorcycle is "his", that the truck is "mine" :D :D

Pictures to come tomorrow when I pick the truck up at the dealer.

Sweet Lemon Custard

2008-09-09T19:21:00.003-05:00

So, while Charlie was still in bed and I was imagining how to continue entertaining the kids, I remembered that I have sweetened condensed milk in the pantry. "Hmm, what shall I do with that?" A little searching presented an idea that reminded me of the filling of my husband's favorite lemon meringue pie, so I made a few modifications to the recipe and here it is for your enjoyment:

Creamy Lemon "Custard"

1 can sweetened condensed milk, 14oz
1 c. plain sour cream
2 egg yolks
1/4 c. pure lemon juice

Pour the condensed milk in the bowl and give the dregs in the can to the waiting preschooler. Teach the preschooler how to scrape it off of the sides with his finger; this will occupy him for the rest of the night, if allowed. Blend the sour cream into the milk; add two egg yolks and whisk until smooth. I don't care what you do with the whites. Save them for meringue (you can freeze them). Use them for a facial (more on this at in a later post). Ignore your inner depression era mother and put them down the drain. Make an egg-white omelet.

I digress. After everything is all smooth, pour in the lemon juice and quickly whisk it all together as smoothly as possible. I'm sure you could do this all in a blender, but I was lazy and didn't want to clean the blender. Hence, the whisk. When everything is all smooth and homogeneous in appearance, put the mixture in the fridge. Forget that it's there. Remember it a few hours after supper, and serve it to your happy eaters.

WARNING: This dessert is quite sweet and rich. Servings should be small. Teeny. Like, 1/4 c. for a child and a 1/2 c. for an adult. Seriously, it sounds like a tiny amount, but you just wait until you get to the end of your portion; you'll understand.

SECOND WARNING: Yes, it has raw egg yolks in it. No, this isn't a cooked custard. No, you can't sue me if your egg manages to have salmonella in it., although how it would survive in that lemon juice is beyond me. I have never gotten sick from an undercooked egg yolk, but let your conscience be your guide. I have been told that the lemon juice will thicken the condensed milk without the egg, but I wanted to make sure my dessert was thick and creamy. If you're skittish, omit the eggs.

By the by, it was quite yummy. Not as tart as lemon meringue pie, for those of you who are familiar with Lori's recipe, because of the dilution with the sour cream. However, it was perfect for a custard, since it had neither the crust nor meringue to foil it.

Happy Eating!

Taking Care of Sick Tummies

2008-09-09T12:02:00.005-05:00

For my maiden Blogger voyage, my hubby is down ill with some evil ghastly sort of virus. You know, pukage, diarrhea, etc. I have been taking care of sick babies for about two weeks now, and they're finally in the recovery phase, when my darling husband finally broke down and finished manifesting whatever it is that he's been fighting off for the last two-three weeks.

So! I made him some new old-fashioned gruel for his sick tummy. Old fashioned, because who serves gruel?? ME. New, because I made it with soup base instead of roasting beef bones and making stock from scratch. Here's my sick tummy gruel recipe:

1/4 c. uncooked rice
1 c. water
1 tsp. soup base or bouillon

Bring water to a boil in a small saucepan. Drop in the soup base and the rice; stir until the base has dissolved. Lower the heat to your lowest setting and cover the pan. Set a timer for twenty minutes, but wait a few minutes before walking off to make sure the starchy water from the rice doesn't decide to get cranky and overflow the pan. After twenty minutes has passed, check the rice for tenderness; it will be quite soupy. Allow to cool to tolerable temperature and serve to the affected party (in my case, Dear Charlie).

Note: you can use any sort of bouillon for this; check the proportions on your bottle. Some brands may use less or more per 8 oz of boiling water; adjust accordingly.

Now, to set my alarm and make sure he gets to his doctor's appointment in time!